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Panic attack diary

I was asked by my Doctor to make a diary of panic attacks but found it too difficult so have written this account instead.

I started to feel unwell in November 2004; prior to this I worked 2 jobs, one as a student nurse and another working as a carer in the community for care 24/7. I led a totally normal life.

History
. Bad experience in care home aged 18 with a choking resident, attended counselling and behavioural therapy.

. Husband David has a spinal injury and is a wheelchair user, I am his main carer.

. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome in 2003

Ivf cycles
. September -December 2004
. January - September 2005
Both unsuccessful.

. I am a Registered Staff Nurse working in care of the elderly, currently unemployed

. My best friend Kath had a stroke in July 2004 which has left her disabled.

. I struggle with smoking and have tried to give up on a number of occasions. I have tried hypnotherapy, patches and gum. I smoke 20 cigarettes a day.

I first had a panic attack whilst out shopping last Christmas. I felt like I had gotten too hot and went really dizzy and sick. I felt as though my legs were not strong enough to hold me up. I had to sit in the shop for 30 minutes until I felt I could return to the car and go home. Dr Brook came out to the house, by chance to see David, he did my BP and a urine test and said physically I appeared okay.

I continued to feel like this on and off until around spring this year when gradually they have worsened, I had to leave my job as a nurse in a nursing home in April as I started to feel dizzy quite a lot and came home from work mid shift on 5 occasions as I felt I couldn't stay in the building. It is like I have to just get out of the situation regardless of the consequences.

I think the reason for this is that I was scared of being left alone as the only qualified on shift and the responsibility was too much for me.

It has now reached a point that I feel unable to live my life normally and it is affecting everything in my life.
I am scared to be on my own, even when I am at home. I constantly have a feeling of dread and fear, and I feel frightened most of the time.

I rarely go out anymore and on many occasions I have set off out with my husband and we have turned around and come home again.

I never go out alone, as I feel unable to. I have become a prisoner in my home.

We have a Personal Assistant who takes David to college and back and helps us around the house etc.. if we have to go out then Linda will drive us as I do not feel safe to drive anymore.

I feel that I do not have any quality of life anymore and am becoming more and more depressed, I cry most days and I don't recognise myself any more. If I could ask for anything I would like to have my old life back again.

I enrolled on an internet course for people suffering with panic attacks, but felt it was all information that I already knew.

I live with the fear that something is going to happen to me, that I will have a stroke or a fit, or I have cancer or that I am just going to die. I am an intelligent person and 24 years of age, I cannot understand how I have become like this and with my nursing qualification I cannot understand how I cannot reason with it and get on top of it.

The worst episode of all was one weekend in September , David and I set off to go to the football. I felt quite bright in the morning and I was sure that I could manage to go out.
I felt panicky on a couple off occasions but managed to control it by 7-11 breathing. We got about 30 minutes in to our journey, when I began to feel ill again. I became dizzy and felt really sick. It starts with a hot prickly feeling up the back of my neck and head and I feel like I am overheating. I had to pull over in to the hard shoulder and then totally lost control of myself. I was crying and shaking and felt desperate to return home, it was like I had totally lost control and I needed to get off the motorway and away from the van. The police pulled up behind us and after explaining that I felt unwell he drove us to the next motorway turn off, so I could try to compose myself somewhere a bit safer than the motorway.

I couldn't get my self to calm down. I tried to set off driving a couple of times but couldn't physically do it. I had to ring my parents who set off immediately to come and pick us up. I felt really sick and vague like I wasn't myself. If David hadn't been with me to ration with me I would have probably called for an ambulance, as I seriously felt like something serious was happening to me and I thought I was going to pass out or something was going to happen to me.

I cannot carry on like this anymore, up until November last year I was working two jobs, and one of them was driving. I cannot live a normal life anymore and spend all my days at home. It is affecting everything in my life, and affecting the quality of Davids' life as well. He is very supportive, but cannot do the things he wants to do as I cannot take him out or do the things he wants to do.

I really need some help, as at the moment I cannot see any end to this. I have tried and tried to sort myself out but cannot do it at all.

know my last story was about the bad side of the panic attacks..I forgot to add the positives! So here goes;

My GP is the most approachable and understanding doctor anyone could ask for, he is totally sympathetic and informed on panic attacks and agoraphobia , he is always giving me self help sheets and support and I see him every fortnight, he listens and understands and doesn't make me feel less of a person for having this condition.

It has brought me and my family much closer together, as once I had helped them to understand what was wrong with me, their support and love has been so much appreciated. Their patience and understanding with me is wonderful.
They never make me do anything I don't feel able to do, yet I find myself attempting "the impossible" just to make them proud and for their praise.

It has brought me and my husband, David, closer together. He is spinal injury (c5-c6 complete) and is a wheelchair user following an accident in 2000. I am his main carer and he is mine.
We work together as a team and encourage and support each other unconditionally, the sacrifices he has for me make me appreciate him so much more.
His undying patience, unconditional love and never ending support guide me through the darkest of days.
He picks me up when I am down, he holds me when I cry, he sits with me while I sleep, and loves me whatever.

My friends who just come and sit with me when David is out, their patience and understanding is deserving of a medal. They let me cry, and just listen to me just knowing they are there makes it easier.

And my new friends from phobics' awareness, for sharing your stories and problems, and for helping me try to solve mine. For helping me to see I am not alone in all this and for listening to me moan on and on. For making me see that we are all in this together and just knowing you are always there with your kind words of support and encouragement.

Suffering panic attacks and agoraphobia definitely has its lows and is a terrible condition to suffer from, it ruins your life and strips you of everything you knew and everything you had, yet I have found some fantastic positives. I realise that in times of trouble and heartache there are people out there who really care and love you. With the love and support of those around you the world doesn't seem such a bad place after all.

Love
clairelouise.

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