what have i started

[lostinlife]

after writing my blog earlier i started ironing my bedding as usual, got on to the last pillow case and burnt my thumb ouch,
but then something weird happened i enjoyed the feeling so i thought to my self shall i do it again but on perpose this time i told my self no finnished up and turned the iron off then there i am sitting watching abit of tv and i feel the burning sensation on my thumb it was like a pleasure (i know it sounds wrong) but i seam to want to do it again, im trying to put my mind on other things but nothing worked, so i go to my wardrobe grab a pair of jeans and set my iron back up. there i am ironing a pair of already ironed jeans and in my mind im wanting so bad to do it just drop the iron on my hand, and i did it felt stronger then how i normally harm my self so i do it again put the hot iron on my hand and again, i realise now it was a really stupid thing to do and really i shouldent have done it but i did and it felt good to feel the pain without the blood, but now all i can think is what a silly person i been why the hell did i give my self another way to hurt my self am i compleatly insane, "what if i want to do it again" i cant cope with trying to fight another need im so frightend and i dont know what to do, should i just lock myself in a room away from all these temptations, is this another stage to my insanity ohh i dont really know im just abit scared im having a pa thinking about this. but the burn is still a good feeling, (i know im completly crackers) and proberbly make no sence i mean why would anyone enjoy a burn and what if it scars i have enouth that i get paronoid about im such a stupid nut weed grrr i hate myself i really really do

sorry bout the winge just needed to tell someone and the other half aint happy with me already how can i tell him this i feel so alone and i feel like i just want to be told it all going to be ok and im not wrong for doing this but thats not going to happen im so angry with my self :angry:

[pucca]

Hi Lostinlife,

I feel bad for you when I read this. I just want to say : Please don't hurt yourself ! I don't know that much about self harm. Just that after my parents died I used to pull at my hair and pinch myself badly. Looking back on it, I did this to punish myself, because I felt guilty. But burning is a lot worser. I don't know what else to say to say to you. Wishing you lots of strenght not to hurt yourself !

[pucca]

Here's an angel coming your way

[libby]

Hi ya Lost

First of all stop calling yourself names! omg I sound like a parent or a teacher and I don't mean to, sorry. Like pucca, I don't know anything about self harm but I know that when I have spoken to you in chat, you are a very sweet lovely person, and maybe self harm is a form of self-hatred? Like you feel like you have to punish yourself? So I reckon on asking you what do you think you have done that's so bad you cannot forgive yourself? Or maybe people have been so rotten and unkind to you that you feel like you have to keep punishing yourself because you must be 'bad'. Well you're NOT bad, you are NOT any of those negatives things that people have said to you! It is when people are horrible to us, that we have to be kinder to ourselves. I know that this is difficult because I have felt unloved and people have been unkind to me and so I call myself horrible names, but then I say "STOP, you're none of those things Liz" (that my real name).

Lost - or life as I call you, 'cause that's better than lost, right? People treating you badly for no reason is not your fault, it's their fault, they're the idiots, they're the ones with the problem, not you! We all make mistakes in life, everyone does, every day of their lives practically, so please stop beating yourself up about it, I know it's easy for me to say, and not so easy to for you to do.

You will get bad scars with burning, which will stay there for a long time, and ouch life, that had to hurt!

Draw on your inner strength when you feel like you want to harm yourself, say to yourself ""I am better than this, I don't NEED to do this". Write some positive affirmations on some cards, and when you feel like doing that again, quickly grab them and say them out loud, keep repeating them and you will find that you WILL believe yourself. You do have the inner strength life, everyone does, it's getting 'tapped' into it, when you've done it once, you will find it gets easier as you keep doing it.

Best of luck, and TAKE CARE of yourself,

lottsa luv

Libby
Pressie for you hun:-

[lostinlife]

thanks to you both
i also used to pull my hair out as a child im not sure it was ever recognised but i remember holding clumps of hair in my hand :huh:
i cant forgive my self for being here, it may seam weird but i dont and have never belonged in earth i think im an alian escapee :blink: , i have had alot of stuff go wrong in my life and never felt loved, although theres people out there alot worse of then i was, i have got a good man now but i dont feel worthy of his love dont know why? i did take alot of physical abuse as a child so i taught myself to not react to pain i wish i never did but its kinda like a controll thing and to be able to use that power also helps me cause the pain i dont really understand what i mean but its what i feel :unsure:

i dont really feel like i beat my self up its just what i feel i need, thanks ever so much for the kind words and i do try to tell myself possative things everyday

i really do appreciate all the support i get in phobics everyone here is so suportive thank you everyone
best wishes coming your way
xlostinlifex

[dino]

DEAR LOSTINLIFE
I'M SO SORRY YOUR GOING THROUGH SUCH A ROUGH TIME ,I REALLY MISS YE FROM CHAT AS YOUR SUCH A KIND CARING PERSON
LIFE I KNOW BY YOUR POSTS HAS DEALT YOU A GREAT DEAL TO PUT UP WITH
PLEASE PLEASE JUST REMEMBER WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YE ALWAYS
LOVE DINO
XXXXXXX

AN ANGEL JUST FOR U XXX

[lostinlife]

thanks so much dino
yes im not in chat much at the moment everything seams to be keeping me away firstly the other half and i have become so busy plus im rushed of my feet with collage and home work, and then the bit of work i do, along with house work im kept away

and also i will always remember i have people here for me its one of the things that keep me going i do get so much suport from everyone
best wishes coming your way
xlostinlifex

[tommygirl25]

[attachmentid=116]As you know lost I know how you feel about self harm. Its always there in the back of your head waiting to come out for some reason or other, but you got to just keep it under control I think I have gone over a month now without it. Stopped counting the days cus I didn't want it on my mind all the time makes it worse. My husband said when he first found out about me cutting, that what tommygirl the next step is burning yourself, I thought no fu**king way will I ever do that. So now I know anything is possible. But babe be good to yourself and tell that man of yours if he is not willing to help then he needs to move on, cus you need full support I don't want you like me with no support at home and all gossip about my freaking pills. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!! Your one of my best friends and that kind of sh** will make you end up in the hospital for life one day or even die. You did it once but that is it no more and no more thoughts about it ok. You always have chat to come to to get it out of your head. But no more please ok. Just for you a pic of my son in a boat yelling at my mom on the cell phone telling her that if she doesn't stop he will hang up. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, tommygirl

[attachmentid=116]

[lostinlife]

hello tommy sweet
thankyou hun, im pleased your self harm has cooled off you doing well babe

i dont know weather its a good thing but since i burnt myself i have not done any serious self harm i think burning myself was one of the silliest things i have done and i do regret i know its only a couple of days but i have stoped self harming once before and im going to really try to stop doing it i need to let all my wounds heal so i dont have fleshy wounds reminding me of how i get my relief, my challange is starting

tommy your boy is adorable so so cute and yes i smiled as you know i do like children so much, seeing any child makes me happy

thanks best wishes coming your way
lostinlife

[pucca]

Good to hear you haven't hurt yourself for a few days. Please try to keep it up.