I'm new to this site but guess I just wanted somewhere/someone to talk to.
I have had 'anxiety' since I was very little. My mum seems to think I got this anxiety because I witnessed my Nan pass away when I was only 2 (she just collapsed and never got up) - I don't remember this at all. Even after this happened, I was still fairly 'normal' although was always a bit of a worrier! The trigger seemed to be when I was in year 6 at primary school; we went on a school trip for a few days (one of these activity ones). I was dreadfully homesick (physically threw up) and all I wanted to do was to call my mum and hear her voice. I was told this wasn't allowed. I was made to stay in bed throughout most of the holiday and was still unable to call home. When I came home, I never wanted to leave! I cried everytime I had to go to school and always came home because I felt ill. It had a dramatic impact on my life and I went to therapy. I don't remember much of this time as I seem to have blocked it out but my mum tells me that it was an awful time for us all. Throughout secondary school, I managed to find some good friends and started to become myself. I still had worries (often over nothing) and still had panic attacks, however, as years went on, these got fewer. I am now in my early 20s and up until last year I was only experiencing panic attacks/ periods of severe anxiety ones every 5-6 months. The reason for me contacting this site is to just feel like I am not alone. Recently my attacks have come back and am finding that I am constantly worried and nervous.
During the day time, at work, I seem perfectly normal and carry on as if nothing is wrong, but when I get into my car and drive home, the nerves kick in. Its as if my brain knows that when I get home, I will have time to think. I have nothing particularly to worry about, I just worry about worrying. The nights are the worst! When I was little (and still today) - I get worried that I am going to be the last one in my house awake! I used to wake my parents up so that they knew I was still awake. Somehow I felt like the only one in the world awake! I have always had a pet hamster (which are nocturnal) to make me feel more relaxed knowing that someone else was awake (sorry, I know this sounds crazy!). But recently I cant sleep at all through worry. My boyfriend has started to notice it more and more and I had a panic attack when I stayed at his the other day (which I am so embarrassed about). He tries to understand but he just cant (I don't expect anyone to ever understand it). When he doesn't call me in an evening, I panic that something is wrong (not that he is cheating or anything like that), I just worry that something bad has happened to him or that he has just decided he doesnt want to be with me anymore. I have had bad experiences with boys in the past (nothing like beating, abuse or anything like that, just immature boys that have hurt my self esteem) but feel this is more than just bad experiences. I feel like I am pushing him away. He tries to understand why I am worrying but I cant explain what I am worried about. The other night we had a silly argument and he just wanted to be left alone to cool off (reasonable!) but I thought that if I walked away, I would never see him again (irrational) so i kept pushing him to sort it out with me there and then, he got more and more upset and wanted to speak to me less, so the more i persisted. I had a panic attack (and he calmed me down) but once I had calmed down, he was scared/annoyed and I was embarrassed/annoyed. I eventually did walk away and we did cool off. Things were fine in the end but I feel I have started a slippery slope and I'm gonna mess it up (which is making me worry more!)
Its not just with him, its in everyday life. The other week, I saw a pen on the floor but didnt pick it up. That night I cried because I thought someone would slip on it and die! I couldn't concentrate on anything but that! It sounds so silly but I dont know what to do. I feel like a wierdo and I thought these problems had started to go away, but recently they are worse again and its ruining my work,sleep,relationship and my life!
All these relaxation techniques like breathing just don't work. I feel so alone and that no one understands. I feel like a freak and that I am pushing people away. I thought it was just a silly childhood phase, but over 10 years on, I still feel lost, insecure, scared and alone
Anyone else felt any of this?