im not sure where to start this so I'll just start writing
i was watching a movie and though unknowing if this “idea” was
somehow inspired by the film i thought it anyway.
i thought of sitting at some coffee house
with a pen and a notebook just writing anything i thought,
anything i saw and so on
not knowing if it was for some therapeutic reason or just to do it
either way the thought seemed appealing
but the reason im writing this right now was to capture a feeling
a feeling i had just a few mere minutes ago
though i feel that feeling slowly losing me
and for whatever reason not writing it when i felt it
i still want it captured
i thought about what i would write sitting there in that coffee house
random thought conjured by the things i would see
romantic thoughts about a cute girl who like usual
didn't notice me... or didn't notice me the way i noticed her
then my thoughts got deeper
taking myself out of the coffee house and just what i was thinking then
sitting on the porch inhaling a cigarette
though thinking still about what i would write
something beautiful...
I imagined a glass bottle splashing against a cement wall... beautiful
I pictured a flame from the embers to the tip... beautful
I pictured an old man grinning widely as he flatlined
the last bit of breath leaving his body again... beautiful
i can't explain the way i felt at that time
everything was empty
i guess you explain the experience as an out of body one
i pictured myself over myself
and i felt the emptyness
i felt the meaninglessness
and all i heard were the sounds around me
i don't know the purpose of writing this down
or what i will do with it once its finished if things like these
ever really have endings...

if anyone reads this just know
i wasn't sad not depressed not anything
and im not now
I just... i just am
if i were to ask anything from whoever might read this its
to for one moment picture something beautful
not the cliched rainbow or an ocean or something like that
picture something chaotic find the beauty in something not meant to be so
and imagine yourself looking over yourself
feel the emptyness
feel the meaninglessness
and focus on the sounds that surround you
dont be sad don't be anything
just be


while writing these words down I go back to the question
of what this is and what i should do with it
not that it matters
maybe this is just something for me
to remind me of that feeling
to see something beautiful
and feel the wonderful nothing the reality of it is
i don't want this to sound like im saying
everything beautiful is meaningless
im not trying to say anything
but the feeling i felt in that moment was something i want to remember
no matter how pointless it is

you don't have to understand this
you don't have to like this
just, like everything else, it is what it is...



in a closing note just know i won't edit this ill let it be exactly how it is when i wrote it... errors and all ill let it be what it is
ill maybe post it some random place on the internet and let whoever reads it get there own meaning from it