i swear, i will be damned if i make a relationship work. i mean any relationship. something always goes wrong. parents? been there, done that, better now, awesome. friends? made hundreds in my high school years, only ever had one true friend there for me from freshman to sophomore year, she's my best and i'm hers too, perfect. boyfriends? lol. wont do that again for a while. aunts and uncles? not their favorite...cousins?either love me or pretend too, its all good. teachers? love me or hate me, whatever, i respect them all until they give me a reason to do otherwise. parents? same thing, either love or hate, most love, as long as their kids are chill with me its all good. the rest? forget it. any other person that comes into my life, i mess it up. i would absoutly love to brush them off and say screw it, but thats never how it works is it? not for me, fuck me for getting emotionally attached. i mean i still think about friends from freshman year and how i miss the good times we had, or the bros i met at the parks and the festivals who i had a great summer with. spoiler: someone always gets hurt. i am so terrified for this summer. i hate saying goodbye, i just do, and yet you'd think i'd be used to it by now, on account of everyone always leaves. at some point, i can say this confidently, if you come into my life you'll find a reason to leave. you could be with me for 10 minutes or 10 years, i'll do something, screw it up and it'll be a perfectly good reason to bail. i just dont want to make new friends or meet someone then go away to school 3000 miles away and need to say goodbye. another thing, when i meet someone i really appreciate, like they walk into my life and i think "this is great, stay with me" i get so afraid to lose them. it's one of the worst feelings; to be so unsure when they'll call it quits. and most of the time, its the most unexpected thing in the world. like i could be sitting there on a rainy day, just chillin talking to a friend. we could be talking about anything, lets say its something that i think brought us a little closer, lets say they let me in on a secret thats kind of special, right? okay time goes by, an hour or so, and all of a sudden they regret telling me and they want to end the friendship. okay if you know me even a little, i cant fucking do that. like bam! fucking heartbreak. i can play very nice too, i can apoligize for whatever i did wrong and i can feel deep regret, but guess what. they're still not fucking there. so it doesnt even matter. ugh and this is not just a friend, i mean this is someone who got you through it, you know, like this is who can bring out the best in you and make you want to be a good person. cant do it. there is so much wrong with me on this topic i didnt even realize till i started going off, sorry. i'm gonna go away to school and finally get that fresh start i've been waiting for, distance is a big factor, i meam that could end relationships, and that'll suck, but at least i'll have a new fresh slate.
sorry if there are any spelling errors! and i'm not sure what the point was here, couldnt sleep and i was thinking so decided to get it all out