After visiting with my therapist today she says well along with your Bi Polar, Paranoia issues, you are also Agoraphobic and have Social Anxiety.
I never thought of myself as Agoraphobic before. I knew I had some social anxiety as I tend to have panic attacks when I am around groups of people. I never thought my not wanting to leave the house because I didnt want to be around people was a symptom of being agoraphobic, I simply thought it was me not wanting to be around people. I spent three years in my apartment avoiding people, even family gatherings because there were too many people there.
Other reasons I never thought of myself as agoraphobic was if I really had to I could leave my house. I took out the garbage, even if I did it at night when people were asleep, I would also rather go to the store at night when less people are there. Once again I just thought I didnt like people. Sure, there have been times when I couldnt make myself leave. I never really thought about it much. I started thinking about it when my kids wanted to go out and play and I didnt want to let them because for one I just knew it wasnt safe, plus I didnt want to go outside to watch them. Sometimes I would compromise by sitting on the door step with the front door open, it made me feel like I was still inside. I rarely took them to the park to play and if I did the whole time I was anxious to go home. The PlayLand inside Mcdonalds is hell for me. The noise, people and the very fact I wasnt inside my house would be the main thoughts on my mind. Even living with my cousin and her boyfriend she sometimes has to remind me to come out of the room and interact with people, or she will ask me if I want to go to the store with her, sometimes she will simply TELL me that I need to get out. Still even with someone telling me, I find that I stay inside, sometimes going into the yard for a couple weeks at a time.
Looking back now I realize that maybe I am and just never realized it. Maybe I was in denial, that the reasons I stayed inside were because of my social anxiety and my paranoia. Maybe I am agoraphobic because I avoid the very things that make my paranoia and anxiety levels rise. I enjoy the days when I can leave the house without anxiety, those are few and far between. Usually I only go out if I HAVE to for appointments and such, and its only because I need my meds and if I dont go I dont get them.
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