I have tokophobia- a fear of pregnancy and vaginal childbirth.
Let me start from the beginning. I have a family history of horrific birth experiences resulting in long term complications like colostomies. In addition to that, I was treated very inappropriately by a male doctor as a teenager which led me to become extremely phobic about intimate medical examinations.
My phobia was always there but it has grown over the last two years and has taken over my life to the point that I am failing school. I find it difficult to look at pregnant women and babies because I have images of stirrups and forceps in my head.
I know that I will have to have children eventually, because my future husband will probably want them and I guess so will I at some point. But the idea petrifies me!!
I hate the thought of being in labour for hours and being examined by different strangers. I hate the thought of having such little privacy and dignity I also hate how patronising and bossy the medical staff gets. I am very against interventions such forceps and ventouse and I have nightmares about requiring them.
This is taking over my life. If a doctor could guarantee me a c section at all costs I would do it.
I keep having strange thoughts that elective c sections will be banned and that I will be too far along in labour by the time I get to the hospital to have a c section and they will force me to deliver naturally.
I also fear complications in pregnancy like gestational diabetes and melasma ( brown spots on the face). I have always suffered from low body image and the thought of stretch marks and saggy boobs makes me physically sick because my body is already so imperfect. I am petrified of developing incontinence, uterine prolapse and sexual dysfunction like the women in my family.
In short- I would be happy to get a tubal ligation NOW and adopt when the time comes. But I know this may not be possible since my future husband may feel differently.
I can't afford therapy at the moment and my situation is going from bad to worse.