So I'm not a starving child in Africa. At least they have their mind.
So I'm not a homeless man on the streets in New York. At least he has his will to keep trying.
Im sick of people feeding me scenario's and telling me that I shouldn't be depressed because I've been so blessed. I'd trade every last FUCKING ONE of these blessings to be mentally healthy again.
This GAD and Depersonalization is getting so far out of hand. It was my birthday yesterday and I cried harder than I've cried in months. I can't get out of bed, literally. My body feels no motivation. I feel like I'm not real.. like I'm looking in from the outside at an emotionally numb and damaged person. I don't have a reason why. I can't look back and pinpoint a single event that supposedly "causes" all of these things to happen to me, but they're all there.. and they're strong enough to make me consider ending my life every single fucking day.
I'm lonely.. and numb.. too numb to try and make friendships and relationships because nothing excites me. I never feel any genuine want or desire other than for this mental fucking BULLSHIT to take a goddamn hike. I NEED HELP AND NO ONE REALLY CARES!! I talk to my mom.. and her first response to me is "I dont know what to do with you anymore.. Im starting to think I need to take you to a mental hospital."
and maybe shes right. Otherwise I'll just stay here and drift further and further away. Spend more days crying, less days trying. More days getting fatter and not giving a fuck about it. I've lost my happiness... and I now what what it feels like to lay in bed and wait to die. I know how it feels to pray to god before you go to sleep and ask him to please not let you wake up.
Where do I go now? What do I do? Someone please help me feel happy again..