I Officially Hate My Life and I have EVERY RIGHT TO

[jlrayburn]

So I'm not a starving child in Africa. At least they have their mind.
So I'm not a homeless man on the streets in New York. At least he has his will to keep trying.

Im sick of people feeding me scenario's and telling me that I shouldn't be depressed because I've been so blessed. I'd trade every last FUCKING ONE of these blessings to be mentally healthy again.
This GAD and Depersonalization is getting so far out of hand. It was my birthday yesterday and I cried harder than I've cried in months. I can't get out of bed, literally. My body feels no motivation. I feel like I'm not real.. like I'm looking in from the outside at an emotionally numb and damaged person. I don't have a reason why. I can't look back and pinpoint a single event that supposedly "causes" all of these things to happen to me, but they're all there.. and they're strong enough to make me consider ending my life every single fucking day.

I'm lonely.. and numb.. too numb to try and make friendships and relationships because nothing excites me. I never feel any genuine want or desire other than for this mental fucking BULLSHIT to take a goddamn hike. I NEED HELP AND NO ONE REALLY CARES!! I talk to my mom.. and her first response to me is "I dont know what to do with you anymore.. Im starting to think I need to take you to a mental hospital."
and maybe shes right. Otherwise I'll just stay here and drift further and further away. Spend more days crying, less days trying. More days getting fatter and not giving a fuck about it. I've lost my happiness... and I now what what it feels like to lay in bed and wait to die. I know how it feels to pray to god before you go to sleep and ask him to please not let you wake up.

Where do I go now? What do I do? Someone please help me feel happy again..

[spacecadet]

Jlrayburn,
I just recently left a new post about depersonalization. I know exactly how u are feeling, and it is so scary and frustrating! U just wanna feel normal again cuz it is exhausting just to make it through the day! Nothing makes it go away, its always there like a monster in ur closet always jumping out and scaring the #$%^ outta u! It is really hard to try to explain how u feel n have anyone truly understand unless theyve been thru it themselves! The meds are making me gain weight and r just numbing n I have no motivation anymore! I really feel ur pain n I wish I could just make it go away for us all! All I can say is Keep on holding on tight and when things get to their worst pray to God to just make that icky feeling go away! I know it doesnt feel like it alot of the time, but he is there with us n will not give us more than we can handle. Please stay stong!

[lizzie o]

i can relate to what u mean about 'their is always someone worse off' but i dont like the feeling of hoping someone is worse off just to get better .... thats just pointless. it can become frustrating because it can become almost impossible to explain all these feeling to people now i suffer from panic gad and health anxiety so im not going to pretend i know what your going through completely. my family was trying their best but i knew they couldnt understand i volenteraly went into a phyc ward and was their for one week and it was the best thing i did yes its rock bottom but its nothing to be ashamed of we can get better i hope u feel better soon

[jlrayburn]

i can relate to what u mean about 'their is always someone worse off' but i dont like the feeling of hoping someone is worse off just to get better .... thats just pointless. it can become frustrating because it can become almost impossible to explain all these feeling to people now i suffer from panic gad and health anxiety so im not going to pretend i know what your going through completely. my family was trying their best but i knew they couldnt understand i volenteraly went into a phyc ward and was their for one week and it was the best thing i did yes its rock bottom but its nothing to be ashamed of we can get better i hope u feel better soon

Would you really say it was the best thing you did? Why is that?

[Colourgirl]

jlrayburn,

You say it so well! People really underestimate how badly we are affected by our disorders, they think the key lies only in shifting our perspective, when in reality, there's so many aspects and triggers to our mental health, it's not that simple. I'm so sorry that you are at this point, and that it was your birthday as well. Your mom's response sounds typical of someone who has been through a mental illness. Don't let her ignorance interfere with your determination to become healthy again, no one should live in this much pain! I agree with lizzie o that going into a psych ward is nothing to be ashamed of, it's NOT living life that's a shame. Getting help for your mental condition is just as healthy and regular as getting help for any physical condition. Don't let people's preconceived notions stop you from getting the help you need.

Spending time drifting and feeling disconnected and numb sounds like an awful place for you to be, and I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a bad spot. Do what you need to do to be healthy, no one will invest more in you, than you. There is definitely more to life than drifting...you just need to find a way to access it. You can do it.

Take care of yourself!

Colourgirl

[gotoverit]

Just remember at your age you are just beginning to experience the emotions and passions of an adult. They can be very scary, depressing and threatening. See if you can find someone you trust to talk to about your feelings, try to identify them and catagorize them. Divide and conquer (I don't know who said that but it is true). Even start a journal and do your best to write down what you are experiencing in feelings. Refer to it later to help affirm what you feel.

[yaoilover1997]

i wish i could help, but i cant. i feel the same way.

[atremblay]

I totally agree that people don't understand how terrible mental diseases are and that it's so difficult to heal them, and that the victims suffer silently... I think it's a good thing that you've realized that you need help. Maybe there exist doctores who can help you? I'm not sure... but please don't give up. I know.. life is hard and is so difficult...

[s1mpl33m33]

i no exactly what you mean, lyfs messed nd screws with u so much, i cn only give you my own experience and say hold on their, i have reached rok bottom too and finaly called out for help after years of pain, your body myt age, but as ppl say your soul is ageless and feels pain no matter how old u r or how young you r, trust me in the end it will be worth it.. b strong and hold on

[KassieLee2283]

I understand completely how you feel... I have been going through the same thing for years now and im only 15. I have been told i must say over a thousand times that there are people in the world that have it worse then me but what the people saying thins to me dont understand is that everyone deals and thinks differently. I live in a house with an older autistic brother, everyone says it is a blessing for me to have a brother that cres and loves me so much the thing is when his mood changes it chamges extremily and they think its just a form of his nature and he doesnt really mean it well it hurts to see him going through this.