Love my man dearly who has military combat PTSD

[MarloM]

Hello all,

I met a very special man online almost 4yrs ago...when he was deployed. He has been back about 3 since his last one...Hes a LT. COl in the army infantry and has PTSD. He told me about it about 1.5yrs ago when I flew to meet him for the first time when he thought he was finally ready to reach out to me. Well needless to say it did not go well, i went down there he chickened out and was devastated...Because of that we didnt chat for about 6mo at which time i always let him know my pressence and how sorry was for acting angry etc and that hes always in my thoughts...well finally he answered last march actually the 15th and picked up our chatting where we left off...He has always said he wants me how he could loose himself in me etc etc but his issues make it hard...He is very forgetful anxious etc and i think he forgot he told me he even had it when i went down there the first time. well long story short i made plans to go down there sept 1st of 2011 and I did and he followed through with seeing me for first time. 1st meeting was a hello and few kisses then goodbye few days lkater he came to my hotel room on his lunch hr and we got a tad closer but after that he pulled back and didnt visit me again...well im getting to the last meeting. I went to visit again on Nov 12th and he was supposed to make time when he got back to arizona for me before he had to leave again and he pulled away and chickened out again...I dont understand this why he does this and he has already seen me so why not last time. He says he wants to be close to me but hes not quite ready even though the day before he was and he just said that he was unstable and driving etc etc well I asked him not to pull away etc he said he would he just keeps thinking i will not get upset when he withdraws etc...any advice on what to do to let him know that i care and support him would be appreciated...It is very hard and it hurts to have someone act like they dont care or want you when I know he does....

[Smiley]

Hey Marlo. I just got back from Afghanistan and my wife calls me crazy all the time. It irks me. Please don't call him crazy. Please don't call him lazy. If he is like me, His mind is just plain o' tired. Being a LTC, he was in charge of a lot of people, and the fluidity of the operations would not allow him to have a stable static thought. His mind was in a whirl wind trying to come up with decisions.
I have been going to the psyD since I was deployed and now, I am still seeing one. If he is still in the military, you could ask the Chaplin what is going on, and how he would help you with dealing with him.

I am in no way an expert or even close to knowing what to say to help you, but I do offer this one piece of advice. Talk with ColourGirl. SHe is a PSTD coach and has lots of knowledge of the subject. She is my "forum Counselor". :-)

[Colourgirl]

Hello MarloM,

Welcome to Phobics Awareness! Smiley, I feel like I have some big shoes to fill, with you calling me a PTSD coach! I love that this suffering has gone from being useless to powerful by sharing it with others! It's so hard to describe to a person what it feels like to go through PTSD because it is such a compelling experience. No matter how we got to that diagnosis, a normal body will react to overwhelming stress or trauma the same way: PTSD. So, it's perfectly normal for people to react to abnormal events this way.

With that being said, having a relationship with someone who has PTSD is incredibly challenging. It is also incredibly rewarding as well, but you have to be ready to commit to the challenges in the first place. I can only speak from my own experience as a person who went through PTSD, and not through someone who was a caretaker for someone who has it. Certainly, if you enter an intimate role with someone who has PTSD, you have to be prepared to also put on caretaking roles, which can serve as a relationship stressor.

Many people who have PTSD often say that having PTSD is like having a martian invade your body and take over. Your thoughts feel erratic, things you normally love repel you now, things you enjoyed are not pleasureable anymore. Many times, I would make plans to go out and see my friends, only to cancel at the last minute because panic and anxiety overtook me. Early on in my marriage, we went to go see a marriage counsellor and my husband complained that we only addressed my issues and none of his. He asked me to pay attention to some of his issues as well, and I responded with a "No, I can't. My brain is too full, it's on all the time and it's overworked. I'm sorry, but if you need validation for your issues, you may have to see a councellor just for yourself." Even though it was the truth, it hurt my husband immensely.

So, with this in mind, be prepared for some very rocky battles if you decide to enter into a relationship with someone who has a mental disorder. It just comes with the territory. But if you are willing to put things into place that will keep your own mind healthy, as well as your relationship's... it can turn out to be the most amazing relationship you will have in your life. People who have had PTSD tend to be very empathetic and talented and creative human beings.

You might do well to read up on a couple books that deal with PTSD; and starting off slowly is always a good thing. When we were assigned reading material out of our books on PTSD (I couldn't get past the first paragraph without feeling panicstriken!), my husband felt incredibly validated for what he was going through and was filled with more understanding. Apparently, PTSD symptoms are classic textbook, and he said it was like reading a book about being married to me. I think that will really help put into perspective what is going on for your friend and the energy output it will require of you should you enter into an intimate relationship with him.

You are in no way "weak" if you find that you cannot handle being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD. It's best to find out sooner rather than later, and best to be upfront about it. However, if you decide that this relationship will enrich both of your lives, make sure you have a strong support system set up for both of you. Healing from trauma takes a lot of emotional re-centering, and that can make you think he's pulling away, when he's really just dealing with issues internally.

I hope some of this helps. Just a few of my thoughts. Take care of yourselves!

Colourgirl

[swac02]

Marlo, I to have PTSD Vet of two Wars the Gulf War and OIF military personnel go through alot while they are over there. Your head have to be on a swivel all the time, your awareness becomes real keen because your always in a life or death scenario, he fight or flight kicks in all the time and like Smiley said his hands was greatly! full LT COL, lets see, that means he probably was in charge of a Battalion which consist of about 8-900 Soldiers he didn't on have his problems to worry about but all those Soldiers the pressure on him was very great he was a commander and had to make tough decisions Utilitarianism if it came down tho that point I snap some times out of no where. I can be siting down doing just fine then all of a sudden a switch just turns on, we wasn't built like this it's something acquired from being in harms way all the time and want to survive just like any other species I am not the subject matter expert seems like Colourgirl has it covered I can only hope that he as well as myself get better with time but the mind never stops and it wants you to relive things over again hard to stop the images because they are ingrained in your subconscious mind, long term memory I hope he gets well and that you two have a wonderful life together.