well i realized something kind of amazing, i think i can do this. maybe, just maybe, i dont have to wait till next august when i get away from home to get better, maybe i really can do this now.
so i was out with my mom because she said she felt distant from me and we dont talk enough (shes right, but if i wanted to talk to her i would, but i dont want to so i choose not to) well anyway, we went out to lunch--figures she would take me to my favorite place just to try to get on my good side (but she does this, like when we fight she'll buy me new canvass and paint, or make my favorite dinner or something). so at lunch we just kinda started talking, and it was weird because i felt like i was on a first date, like the awkwardness of having topics to talk about, well thats what was going on, it was like we almost had to find things to talk about, or stories to tell. so she brought up college and i got that feeling of being totally overwhelmed and i cant tell you how much i wanted to take that razor out of my bag and go at it just to escape the moment but i spoke up...it was kind of an ephiphany because i started going on and just told the truth about how i dont have things figured out and how scared i am that i wont be able to do anything with my life but that college feels trivial sometimes because life is just so much bigger than any of us know...and in that very instant i didnt want to hurt anymore. since then i have been tempted many a times...each time i just take a big deap breath and tell myself that i can do this, that college will get figured out, and that i've got bigger things than college to worry about.
i've kept myself clean and i feel like i know what i'm doing, like i'm beating this, and i just want to get my life back to the way things were, back when things made sense and were simple! i miss that so much...well i'm working towards it and thats all that counts (: