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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Pennsylvania, USA

    The Pointlessness of Friends and Facebook

    Hello everyone. I am at a standstill as to whether or not I should actually even still TRY to make friends. Right now, the only friend I have is my husband.
    For only a few months was I friends with this girl who goes by the nickname "River." As of lately, I have decided to discontinue the friendship, politely asking her on facebook to not contact me or my husband any longer.
    She is an innocent young woman of 21 years who does not realize she is a natural flirt and I became somewhat jealous of her for flirting with my husband, who picked up on her flirts and became distracted from me, his wife, and our 5 year old daughter.

    River and I have a lot in common, and I enjoyed her company, when it was just her with me. She was someone who seemed to understand my problems and the issues I am dealing with at this time. But along with knowing her also came a bunch of drama that I did not need in my life.
    She assured me that nothing would ever manifest between her and my husband, for her heart beat for another man, Jesse, my neighbor. She lived with Jesse and his family, but would get in fights with his mother, and then come crying to stay with me and my husband. She would stay here for nights in a row, then stay one day at Jesse's, then come back again from another argument. I felt like I was being a good friend to her, helping her, giving her a place to stay. But eventually the flirting with my husband bothered me to the point that it came out of me in discrete, yet loud ways. Any time he gave her something to keep, or offered her anything of his to take, I became hurt. He began focusing his attention too much on River and a distance grew between me and him. There have been a few occasions where he abandoned me and my daughter to be with River, because she needed "help" due to complications with her relationship with Jesse. Everyone I've talked to about these c***umstances agrees with me that my husband was completely wrong in doing so and is lacking common sense and pure logical reasoning. He admitted he was wrong, too.
    A few days ago, my husband left me, and I was worried he was leaving me to spend time with River,who had left the area the day before with her suitcases and all. I called her and told her what he said and that he had gone and that I just needed a friend, company, someone to spend time with and talk to. She said she would spend the night with me and be there for me, but she turned off her phone (which by the was is a tracfone she was borrowing from me, which I know I will never see again) and never called me or came by. I was sickly anxious, depressed, and panicking because of my psychiatric makeup of having fears of being alone and needing my husband to communicate to most other people for me. I had nightmares all night long, waking up, not breathing right, with abnormal heart rhythms. I felt nauseated and vomited. I was a total wreck and found out she had ditched me because she took offense to me thinking her and my husband were doing something together... the jealousy. But I messaged her, after surviving my panic attack and suicidal episode, simply stating I just needed a friend, someone to help me and console me, to keep me company. I told her not to contact me or my husband anymore and that she was only a hindrance to our marital problems, and obviously was not interested in being there for me. She replied back that her grandma was in the hospital, but before my husband finally came home, he said he spoke to her on the phone the morning after my nightmares and she said she took offense to what I was thinking, to my fears, to my "jealousy" and that is why she didn't come over. She didn't mention her grandma at all. I kindly replied back to River, this time with more force, telling her I do not want her to communicate with us at all anymore. She flipped out and sent me a nasty, malicious, self-esteem-ending message that brought me down and made me think about all the other people who I was once friends with, but who left me and never decided to stay in contact with me again, always seeming to be due to something I said, felt, or did. This makes me wonder if I am even capable of having a longtime friend. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone in regards to "friends." I was recently tested for autism spectrum disorders, specifically being screened for Aspergers, and I know that this must be something others go through. I have not received my results yet, so I do not know for sure whether or not I am an aspie or if I'm just a damned soul that can't keep a hold on any friends, except my husband (but even that gets f***ed at times).
    Any advice would highly be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Hello zeugobranchiata,

    I don't have much time, but I wanted to respond to your post. I'm sorry about the situation that you find yourself in.. and several thoughts come to mind. 1) No one will have more interest in taking care of your marriage than you and your husband. You have every right to ensure the health of your marriage, and asking your husband to partner in with that. I'm sad that your husband isn't putting your concerns first, your marriage and its issues come before River's and Jesse's problems. 2) River doesn't seem to respect your personal boundaries, despite you reiterating them over and over again. Even if she and your husband were "just talking", they are disregarding your feelings of comfortability level, and situations of high emotional distress/stress tends to lead to conduct that isn't logic driven, it's more emotion driven. Setting themselves up for failure w/o regard for what could happen, is just foolish on everyone's part. People transfer emotions from one person to another all the time, take for example, a woman who transfers feelings of "love" to her male therapist, especially when her marriage is in crisis.

    Your drawing proper boundaries with your friend sounds both healthy and necessary. Even if you find that your personal diagnosis may change the way you connect to other people, the basics for having and maintaining a proper relationship are still there, and they still stand. Take some time to destress yourself so you aren't in the mix of emotions, it's healthier for you and for your child. When you are calm, write down what is important for you, and take some time to figure out what boundaries you need to draw to keep yourself sane, and safe.

    Those are some of the things that come to mind for me... and just know, that people all over go through similar situations and learn how to deal with them afterward. I wish you much gentleness, and peace of mind as you tackle some of these extremely emotional issues. And just know, no one is worth your mental health. You are the keeper of it, guard it wisely.

    I saw a great saying the other day that seems appropriate here: Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option! Spend your energy on people who are worthy of it.

    Take care!


  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    She cannot be a real friend, if she leaves you alone if you need her so desperately... and a real friend would never make you jealous. I hope you feel better by now... please don't give up to find friends, I mean not every women is like that. Please don't undermine your hopes!
    I hope you and your husband could get stronger after this issue!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Tasmania, Australia
    It's not you! Be calm and be happy.. your self-esteem is making you believe that it's your fault! That's the crazy thing! Any one would be jealous and paranoid in that situation!

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Hattiesburg, MS
    I know what you mean about how it can physically make you ill. My heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest a time or two. But My wife and her cheating, etc.. is not as important as my health. You need to worry about "YOUR" health and the health of your child above all this drama. You may think that this drama is actually your life, but rest assured, there is happier times to be had.

    If you need to leave your husband to make yourself better, then that is the thing to do. The healthier you are, the better you can take care of your child, in return, making the child healthier.

    About this girl, as you said in the beginning, she is young.. She knows not what so does. haha.

    Try to find new friends. If you go to church, try a different church with people that you can be friends with. If you don't go to church, find a different type of support group.

    You don't need added stress to your life. This is YOUR life, and you should decide what stress you will allow in it. Ok, it is time for me to listen to my own preaching... haha.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    new york state
    i have very few friends myself, and have found it hard to maintain friendships. it is not an easy thing to do with people who dont understand what people like us go through so i have a few pointers for you. as for facebook only have people you actually know and trust on your facebook friends list i have i think 40 friends on my list. much less drama. church or religious groups are a great place to make REAL friends. i have found the most understanding and judgment free support from people i go to church with. they dont have to be your best friends but to have people you can talk to that are good positive helpful and supportive can get you through some really tough times.

    if you find that someone doesnt like you dont worry about it. there are other options.
    always try to be a good friend. return calls in a timely fashion, and listen to their problems too.
    never make a friendship based upon what that other person can do for you or because you want to help that person or save them.

    making friends is as hard as building a happy marriage. it takes work and there are ups and downs.

    most importantly you have to know that sometimes you have to walk away from friendships. it can be very hard, but when a friendship is taking more of a toll on your mind and heart then you have to let go.

    i wish you well in your endeavor and it is always worth it to make a friend even if you only have that friend for a day or for the rest of your life.

  7. #7
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    i dont think she does not realize she is a natural flirt



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