given up.

[Jessica.]

i forgot to say i never started trying to be clean again...since a couple weeks ago when i was 23 days clean and i messed up, i havent started over...i feel like it'll be useless to try again honestly. like, i cant win. every single time i fight with myself it's ridiculous, no one should struggle with themselves that much, and i dont want to anymore, so why keep going if i dont have to? i know; i sound so illogical but i can help it. i'm just so done, maybe there will be a time when my body doesn't crave it anymore. i dont know, i cant help but look at this with a glass-half-full kinda view.

oh! so the other day i was in study in the library sitting with my friend matt and outta no where, litterally no where; we were sitting there quiet doing work, he goes "wow..you cut your wrist" but the way he said it was so awful, he just stated it, like wasn't a question, and he was shocked, but he didn't say it loud. anyway i wanted to puke, i was like "huh?" and he just looked at the top of my left wrist, and honestly i never thought anyone could see it because it's relatively light now but i asked my cousin (who as of a week ago figured out i'm not clean anymore) how noticeable it was and she said it was pretty obvious but maybe just more so to her because she knows it's there. so yeah i just got up and went to the bathroom to try to collect myself and figure out an excuess, so when i walk back into the study he was waiting at the door for me and he goes "what just happened?" so i was all "hahaha i dunno bro, you said some absurd accusation about this scar" and he just looked at me so i was like "bro, i dont do that, you know me, you know i'm not the type" and uhm..yeah it sucks that he can read people..well he was all "you need to tell someone, you're hurting yourself, this isn't okay" but he was so supportive, i dont know, he just knew what to say...

so yeah, i'm done, i dont care, even matt said he thinks that when i go away to school i'll be better, or getting better..i can wait till then. so tonights homecoming!! i'm excited to go, but i know the people that are gonna be there, and a few of them i have a history with and i'm nervous they're gonna try something /:

[AliceInChains]

Self-doubt is normal among people struggling with so many things. All I know is...if I give up on myself, there's not much anyone else can do. And it is the one most important thing not to do.

I want to be happy. But I don't know how to get there. I'm not happy right now, so I know that whatever I'm doing isn't working. Maybe to be happy with yourself (anyone), you need to do things that bring you genuine joy.

What interests let you forget about your problems? Jogging? Creative writing? Drawing? What did you love doing as a child? Think back on simpler times, when sometimes things made sense.

You should be your first priority.
It's hard to truly love yourself. But maybe it starts by learning to be okay with yourself. By doing something good for yourself. By finding a reason to not give up on yourself.

[Jessica.]

everybody keeps telling me i need to love myself. i dont even know how! k i mean i tried treating myself right, and dont get me wrong, it worked for a while but i'm not happy. i don't know how to make myself happy, i hate home, i hate it so much and it's where i spend a good amount of time because i have school and college to worry about and i do all my work here. and i just dont know what to do till i go away to school.