best friend saw the cuts...

[Jessica.]

my best friend, my number one, the one who is always there for me who knows me like no other, saw my cuts. thing is i never told her about how i had done this, she had never seen the cuts or scars but all of a sudden in the middle of class we're sitting there and she grabs my arm and she's like "Jessicaaaaa!" and i was like "dude, my dog!" and she was like "but i love you so much! why would you do this?" and the whole time she's like examining my arm, and i couldn't help but smile...i mean on the inside i was freaking outttt! but i just smiled and was like "dude you're crazy" and i got up and went to the bathroom. when i come back she wrote in my agenda "i wuvv yeww sooo much!" i again just laughed it off and she just sat there idle the whole class, literally it was the worst. while she was sitting there i was like "i was clean for 23 days" and she was like "23 days?" almost like it was nothing, i think she was mad though, i think she was mad i never told her, or that i was doing it at all..i dont know..anyway now i'm mad paranoid shes gonna tell someone..i'm driving myself insane just thinking about it! i hate this so much...i want it to be gone and never come back. i think i need to start over, i mean a new lifestyle, new city, new me...start fresh, you know, like a clean slate. well i'll be off to college soon (not soon enough!!) but until then i have no idea.

[zahra98]

no how you feel. my cousin who is also my best friend found out last (after my parents and aunties found out) shes very sensitive and cries over things so when she found out through her mum she cried ALOT. i mean you should try explaining the urge and the need and how hard it is to put on a brave face. you'd be surprised maybe she can help you. if not just find a distraction, mine is 24hr kmart, as lame as that is

[Jessica.]

that is not lame! lol but yeah i understand, when my sister found out she started bawling and thought i was suicidal, and i cant explain the logic behind it, you know? because truly its not logical so trying to explain that this is the exact opposite of suicide was like a waste of breath. but anyway i'm better now, much much happier and just better. p.s. one of my best distractions was taking out frustration during exercise.

[dan18]

Jessica, I know exactly what you're going through. Believe it or not, I've been clean for a little over 5 months. If you can, just find a major purpose in life, something that tells you that your life isn't destined to fail, and i agree with zahra98. Find a distraction when these thoughts/urges happen, something that takes all of your focus and concentration. For me, it's video games. And yes, college will be much better, but not because it's a fresh start. For me, it's because it's so very different than high school. I' only a freshman in college and I prefer it over high school any day Just know that what you're feeling is not crazy and you're not alone.

[asteral]

i had a simeler thing with a bunch of new friends within 2 weeks of starting uni and they were great about it but it freaked them out but i felt like i was going mad because within 2 weeks it had gone from my mum dad and a doctor knowing about me to everyone in a 10 person flat full of people i had only just met i was freaking the f**k out

[Jessica.]

thank you guys so much for the support i'm now almost 1 year clean...when i moved to school last year i was a stressed little freshman and couldn't keep it all together, hopefully i will be staying strong through moving in next month! thanks for letting me know i'm not the only one going through this, and i wish you all the best! <3