sometimes i wish i could go back and fix everything, just everything, i wish i could keep myself from making all those mistakes, i wish i could take back thousands of words that came out of my mouth, and i wish, so so hard i wish i could go back to that summer night and keep myself from cutting for the first time. there's so many things i want to fix. but i cant. i have 2 days, 2 days! i dont want to screw up, i don't, but i feel like i can't fight, like i've fought for so long and i can't do it anymore..what happens after these 21 days? what then? oh i made it to 21; it's over. no. every day will still be a fight, and i don't know if i can do it. i'm trying to take one day at a time, i'm trying to believe in myself, i'm trying so hard and i still wind up worthless.

i cried yesterday. for the first time in a couple years..cried for two hours. felt like a fucking 6 year old having a tempertantrum. i had told my big brother, the one who has always been there to protect me, the one who i never had a good relationship with but if i ever needed him, he would come to me in a heartbeat, yeah him i told him my top college was in california (thats 3,000 miles away from me) and he just said i wouldn't go, i couldn't, mom and dad wouldn't let me, and all this stuff..oh and thanks to my mom because she always makes me feel like the daughter of her dreams, she goes "oh yeah, you're not going, you can go to new york" alright, thing is me and my mom have talked about this, and i've told her i know i'm not meant for new york, i'm not, i can just feel it. anyway my brother goes "nahh she won't make it there" like why? assholes! everywhere! why wouldn't you support me on this?! i want a west coast art school, i dont need anyone to get me there, i can get there myself if i need to, thats how i've always been, self reliant. never needed anybody, never needed anyones approval or permission, i just did what i wanted or felt was right. alright so it's us 3 in the kitchen and i felt wrong, not bad just wrong like this feeling was so familiar but i didn't know what it was, i got the knot in my stomach and lump in my throat, so i got up and just went to my room, to see what this feeling was gonna do to me...i cried. i cried and cried, and then i got pissed, i hadn't cried in years, years! and now i'm wasting it on people who i all of a sudden care about what they have to say? so i then continued to punch a wall, well really it was my oak wood door frame so i mean my hand kills...then i just cried, 2 hours worth of tears, and i mean i didnt stop i laid in bed and cried, like cried rivers, but it felt good...

well i'm sitting in english today and i got that feeling again, i was just thinking about everything and i got that "cry" feeling, and it's always the worst when you get that feeling at a bad time because then you have to hold it in until you get home, then you can breakdown...i feel weak. i've always looked to myself for strength, i always knew i could find it within myself to be strong, other people look to me to be strong, other people come to me for help, i'm not "other people." or so i thought. now i find myself asking others for help, asking for support, or agreement, I DONT NEED IT! yet i strive, and i strive for it, and i dont know why, it wont change me but i just want to know that theres one other person out there who can stand by my side whenever, wherever. i wont find that person here. i have my friends and favorite cousins, but i'm not "the type" to be hurting myself, i can't be like "yo i need you right now, i'm tempted to cut" we're doing our college essays and our teacher asked us questions and one of them was "how would a friend describe you?" i asked like 5 of my closest friends and they all said the same thing "bubbly" "when i see you it just makes me smile" "you're such an amazing friend, i know i can talk about anything with you" "you put me in a good mood." i wish i could give them some insight into how i feel, they would ask how i can give out such happiness and good vibes when even on the inside i cant feel it...well my answer would be simple, i have no idea...

i want to posses a feeling of achievement. i'm 19 days clean. i'm a good friend. i'm going to go to a west coast art school. but i say this and i feel numb to it..i mean i guess yeah i'm kinda proud of myself for the 19days..it's a stuggle but it's for the long term..but other than that i dont know what to say, and it's because my life revolves around it! every single action theres only one thing i'm thinking, staying clean. i do things and i try to make sure i'm giving myself enough self love but the thing is, action follows being, i must first be happy with myself, and proud of everything, even my mistakes, to then give out the happiness and good vibes. but that starts in my head, i need to think highly of myself and know that i dont need to hurt myself, to then proceed with the action part.

so now that i've written you guys a novel, if you're still with me, i know what i must do. i'm going to cry and not feel bad that i'm crying, doesn't everyone? let's be honest, don't we all cry? i'm gonna try real hard and work on the image i have of myself, this will cause me to possess love and then i can share that love with the world (: alright well thanks for reading...2 days and i'll be past the 21 day milestone! wish me strength! (: