Hello guys really suicidal, can someone please tell me what is wrong with me :(

[Pineapple]

Hey guys, its my first time on here. I'm 17 years old and i honestly don't know what happening to me i really just want to die . I remember one time i was watching tv when i was 13, i had been fine the whole day, and then i suddenly started thinking of a scary movie i had seen. i suddenly became really short of breath, my heart started to pound, i threw up, i felt my mind just racing so quickly, and i felt so depressed. that whole week i didn't leave my house. ever since then i've had something in the back of my mind i don't know what it is, its like this constant thing that is making me sad. Sometimes it goes away for short peroids of time, but then it comes back. I remember when i was 14, i was resonably okay, and then i began crying for no reason again, i felt like i wanted to die, and i was so sad. I began having suicidal thoughts at fifteen, and started to self harm since then. I went through a phase, where things were good at sixteen, then last march, i was watching something and suddenly it happened again and ever since i've had this constant sad feeling, this constant thing in the back of my mind. Idk what it is i feel so abnormal. Things got better this summer(ish) from march-july, then suddenly a few weeks ago i had these racing thoughts, threw up, and just feel so depressed again, with this thing in the back of my head. i dnt no what it is, but whenever i think of it i feel SO sad. I don't have a bad life, i am grateful, i live with my mum, and have a wonderful boyfriend who i just got with. I don't know what this thing is though . i just feel so sad, and so depressed most of the time, even when im out with people its in the back of my head, when i go for walks, watch movies. Even in my dreams (this sounds weird) i'm sad and have these depressive thoughts in my head. I've dealt with it for 5 years, but when i suddenly had racing thoughts and began crying a few weeks ago, i realized it won't just go away as time progresses. The more i think about it the more anxious i become, and the anxiety becomes so worse and i can't take it. Please someone tell me whats happening ? i don't feel like being here anymore, i just can't cope with this feeling in my head . will it ever go away? what if im jus going to be like this forever i can't be here
i haven't told anyone coz im so scared no1 will understand it, i knw most people who get depressed have had traumatic experiences, but i'm not lying i just really cant cope. I always have this depressing feeling in my head, it goes away through some peroids, then comes back worse then ever I feel so abnormal, because nothing else has really happened to me before like a traumatizing thing, so i just feel as if no-one would understand maybe it is something abnormal, i don't even know. if anyone could tell me why this is happening, i would be so grateful,just i dont understand why me , its a sunny day, i have a good home, friends, family, so why have i been feelin like this for such a long time its not normal i know . Another site said it could be a chemical imbalance, but im not at all sure =( thank u for reading, i'm so sorry for typing so much.

[Gray Matter]

Is there something that happened to you at a younger age you don't want to tell us about? Just say yes or no.It sounds like a form of personality disorder or just good Ole Depression/Anxiety. I will say get professional help. Get on some Meds to regulate your moods. If you don't want to get professional help then you can get worse off.
You can start to get other mental illnesses and they grow in you and really take an emotional tole on you. I an a Male 46 years old and have been molested by priest an nuns at an early age. This caused rage witch turned into anxiety the depression and now I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder, Paranoia and Social Phobia. So don't let it grow get help and until then when an attack happens remember if you made it through one then you can make through another one, Their are tons of web sites that give you ideas how to cope with life and conditions like yours. We are here to listen and give our ideas that we experienced to others so they can feel they are not alone, and there are answers to all of this. Just try to get professional help to regulate your mood and get started on a great life when you can get regulated emotions.

[Anon]

Did that scary movie trigger something that related to your past? Depression never goes away. We're stuck with it for the rest of our lives, but if we get the proper help we can control our depression. You might need medication, or you might just need to talk. Whatever the case, I really hope you choose life over death. Depression comes in the family genes. It's not something we can control. Your parents might've had depression, so it was passed down to you. Good luck with any future endevours...I'm always here if you need a listening ear.