no one can help me "trigger"

[justin]

I keep seeing myself getting blown up or shot at sometimes at the same time.
I see them in slow motion and instantly at the same time, and am forced to reply the event in my head over and over.
The torment is never ending when it sometimes lets up i see myself getting molested by the large man with glasses, i don't remember his name just exactly how he did it to me. I even still have nightmares about the man who did it,
and my father striping then beating me and my brother with a wire hanger even though the medication makes me forget or not have the military nightmares.
Now i have flashbacks i am getting better right that is what they keep saying. Instead i just want to die and want the emptiness pain, sadness and grief to go away every single hour of every day.
I call the crisis lines when i am not doing well but they can not help me. The staff can only try to call 911 on me tell me i need to go to the hospital or tell my family to take me to the hospital or try and fail to calm me down so i lie and say i am calmer even though i am not.
The VA Mather hospital here in Sacramento wont help me ether they tell me when i got there that the VA might not pay for my stays because i am not service connected. So its like a slap on the hand for trying to get help when i need it.
They take more care of people with addictions then they do of people with a mental illness from what i can tell anyways. The doctors just push me out like a peace of meat. The only suggestion the staff could give me was to go to a board and care home and spend all the pension i make on it as if that would help me not want to die and prevent the flashbacks and suddenly make me all better.
Wait i was wrong they also suggested that i move my computer to the living room because getting out of my room will some how help "eye roll".
I am tired of fighting for service connected compensation when i know i am going to be denied because i never showed any symptoms wile i was in the military.
I only told a doctor once that i had trouble sleeping wile i was in Iraq and after i also said that i was having trouble yelling at my girlfriend and family.

[rangersue]

thats awful that you are going through so much at this present time, my story is not as awful as yours and i hope that you may get help from someone whom is willing to help. Its good that you can express your feelings on this forum on here there is someone who will listen and reply. I know how you feel about drs i went to hospital 6 times when i had bad panic attacks and they basically critised me for coming to the hospital for no reason. I didnt know that nothing was wrong with me. Eventually they realised i had a mental condition and got me help. I have a 2yr old and husband who at times are suffering with me not be my normal self. I wish you all the very best.

[justin]

My girlfriend maria still thinks i can go to the hospital and they can help me in other ways but i don't agree.
Recently i talked to my x wife and found out the name of the guy who molested me its Wayne i don't know what good that will do me or why i asked her but i guess maybe for some form of closure. My x wife also said she was sorry for what happened.
I recommend the book "The warrior's guide to insanity" for anyone suffering with ptsd it hits home in many parts of the book even though i did not see combat i do have allot of the symptoms talked about.
I am almost done with the book myself and due to my mental blocks i hardly remember any of it that's why i ran through it with a highlighter for the most part.

[rangersue]

Hospitals can be a bit harsh but if you find a great counsellor maybe they can help you. thanks for the book recomendation. Facing the person whom did this to you and how it was wrong and that they need to acknowledge what they did was wrong and apologise, may help in the healing process. take care.

[justin]

C&P exam my therapist called me just now and told me the exam results where depression and PTSD and that im completely disabled. my childhood may have made me more vulnerable to ptsd but it was ultimately my service in iraq that caused everything! the examiner spent about 2 hours with me. For me this is great news it means i might end up with service connection and people will believe me!

[justin]

im not sure if anyone can help me but i will try to reach out and continue fighting i don't know what anyone can do for me i suffer from major depression and ptsd that i know of however i minimize myself and make problems worse because i don't think my ptsd is severe or that bad i dont even think what triggered it should have i also think i stopped living in iraq and firmly believe i am now only existing in life i would like to change that some day before 2 months ago i could feel no emotion no joy or happiness nothing now emotions from my traumas haunt me but only in the form of great overwhelming pain and sadness just this morning even though i cant feel it i lost control of myself and rage took over as i attacked my own brother for no reason at first verbally then i physically tried to kill him eventually attacking him with a hammer its a good thing i have 2 brothers as the other was able to keep breaking us up i dont remember it to well and blocked out just about everything that was said but i have never done that before only ever verbally when they broke me down in iraq but it is one of my largest fears when out among other people that i will just attack some random man that reminds me of any of my traumas or verbal/physical assaults or triggers me...i only lost 1 marine in iraq but that was wile i was in japan however i have survivors guilt from loosing one of the few marines who did not single me out and tried to get to know me. i Seen marines get blown up not up close but in the vehicle in front of me only once but it was enough to give me nightmares and flashbacks and make me think it should have been me instead i was only shot at once and had an rpg shot at our machine gun nest when we tried to rack out for the night one evening but i still see the tracers and fear enemy ambush to this day in my own backyard and in my room im watchful for ieds whenever we drive at night i mostly did night missions to repair ied holes in the road...i also get flashbacks of jackhammering i know its a joke but every time i was in a ied hole i thought i was going to die for sure but i worked my ass off as hard as i could being a marine at that point was all i had left due to my depression sucking the life out of me and i figured i might as well die working as hard as i could i out performed my squad leader and fellow marines by far doing that job but none of that matters... i know being molested and having a bad childhood made me more vulnerable to developing depression and ptsd but i still minimize myself for being such a weak marine to give in and now be called completely disabled by the VA that tears me apart so bad knowing nothing that bad happened to me that there is nothing physically wrong with me and am constantly told by doctors social workers nurses people i talk to that all i need to do is get a job or go to college. You can ignore me laugh at me or even try to help me if u feel i deserve it but i dont think i do as a marine i feel i am a pathetic fool that was unable to suck it up and failed miserably at being one as my fellow marines told me you don't deserve to be a marine and you don't deserve your rank. but im still proud that i was one just not proud of who i have become i feel as if im ranting but if you want to help me i feel like you need to know a little about how pathetic i am and what little has caused me to become this way whatever you decide to do thank you very much for trying and giving it some thought.

[rangersue]

dont ever feel guilty. you have just as much right as anyone to live after such an ordeal. I'm sorry to hear about or the troubles you have. I would never laugh at you as I too have suffered relapse of my childhood as my father was abusive to my mum and i still have nightmares but they are less frequent as last year i finally forgave my father and im trying to live in the present not the past. Try to stay positive and look to the good things in life such as hamburgers, music, concerts, movies, etc. You survived Iraq and you will survive the other issues in your life!! I believe in you

[massagemom]

ohh justin hon. Noboby here will ever laugh at you. If they do shame on them. You have fought for our freedom to be able to express ourselves that includes you.

you know how I feel bout this

hugs
mm