I keep seeing myself getting blown up or shot at sometimes at the same time.
I see them in slow motion and instantly at the same time, and am forced to reply the event in my head over and over.
The torment is never ending when it sometimes lets up i see myself getting molested by the large man with glasses, i don't remember his name just exactly how he did it to me. I even still have nightmares about the man who did it,
and my father striping then beating me and my brother with a wire hanger even though the medication makes me forget or not have the military nightmares.
Now i have flashbacks i am getting better right that is what they keep saying. Instead i just want to die and want the emptiness pain, sadness and grief to go away every single hour of every day.
I call the crisis lines when i am not doing well but they can not help me. The staff can only try to call 911 on me tell me i need to go to the hospital or tell my family to take me to the hospital or try and fail to calm me down so i lie and say i am calmer even though i am not.
The VA Mather hospital here in Sacramento wont help me ether they tell me when i got there that the VA might not pay for my stays because i am not service connected. So its like a slap on the hand for trying to get help when i need it.
They take more care of people with addictions then they do of people with a mental illness from what i can tell anyways. The doctors just push me out like a peace of meat. The only suggestion the staff could give me was to go to a board and care home and spend all the pension i make on it as if that would help me not want to die and prevent the flashbacks and suddenly make me all better.
Wait i was wrong they also suggested that i move my computer to the living room because getting out of my room will some how help "eye roll".
I am tired of fighting for service connected compensation when i know i am going to be denied because i never showed any symptoms wile i was in the military.
I only told a doctor once that i had trouble sleeping wile i was in Iraq and after i also said that i was having trouble yelling at my girlfriend and family.