What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 17 1/3
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's.
It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen (Hargreaves) does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do.
In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains.
We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank (Lampard) has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their
underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol (Campbell) sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy (Lundberg) but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky (Beckham) and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn.
She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's and thousands on it.
All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him.
Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael (Owen) hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it.
He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee.
They are all saying that we have to go home now.
Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think pmsl