Will I ever be in control of it?

[whatsupmgf]

Well, I've posted twice on this forum and have had no replies so far, but that's okay. I'm still fairly new. Sometimes for me, it just helps to write about what I am going through. This week especially has been bad as far as my OCPD goes [I know there is some differences from OCD, but there was no OCPD posting forum] since I had to face my biggest fear of all--a car accident. I was in one and since then I have felt as if my life has been spiraling out of control, as well as my OCPD. For a week, I've only gotten a few hours of sleep each night, and have barely eating because I just clean. Clean. Clean. Organize and organize. And I make lists. And when I can't do it anymore because of physical exhaustion, I sit there just panicking about what I haven't done--or rather that I cannot find anything to do sometimes.

It's gotten this bad in the past, but I just wish I had control of my OCPD. I wish I didn't have to list everything in order to feel calm. I wish I didn't wake up at 2AM and have to reorganize the entire room in order to get back to sleep. I wish I didn't have to do everything a certain way in order to just get through the day. But if I don't...I panic. I stop eating. I stop sleeping.

...will I ever be in control of it...or will it always be in control of me?

[NicolaRedwood]

Hello Dear, I am so sorry that you are suffering. This is torture. I know how exhausting this is. I have OCD and severe panic and anxiety. What is OCPD? I haven't heard of it yet. I have fear of car accidents, too. I am very nervous when we drive on the freeway, because so many trucks pull up close and tailgate us and my dog is sitting on the back seats. I am so worried all the time. I can't stand it. I use sleep and food to escape. If I didn't have this I would become crazy. I had problems falling asleep, I tried valerian root which helps a little bit, I tried sleeping pills which did not work at all, and then I found a homeopathic sleeping medication which works extremely well, I am surprised. I like to eat candy and cakes which is the wrong food, it makes the blood sugar level spike and then drop, and it causes more nervousness. It's a terrible addiction. I just signed up, too, 2 days ago. Reading people's stories makes me feel not so alone. I always tend to feel very alone with my problems. Most people I talk to can't understand me. I wonder often, if sometimes people just don't talk about it, because they are embarressed or because their social group puts pressure on them. I also clean a lot, it makes me feel better. Whoever I have lived with never ever lived up to my expectations regarding cleanliness. Ha. I make lists, too. I think it's a sign of strength to be super organized and orderly and clean, even if it's making us suffer. Better overly organized than not organized at all. I know so many people who are totally unorganized. They get nothing taken care off and lose money and health. I know horders of stuff and animals. When it comes to animals it really becomes a matter of the public, because the animals are suffering in close confinements, often neglected. This is a mental illness which affects others and even though meant well, it becomes a crime. I worry about animals a lot, there is so much suffering going on in the world. It's good to be organized and do what you can to stay in charge of things. I help where I can with petitions, I clean the house, take good care of my dog. It's good to talk to others.

[whatsupmgf]

Well, OCPD is very commonly confused for OCD but there are some definite differences.

Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder which involves an obsession with perfection, rules, and organization. People with OCPD may feel anxious when they perceive that things are not right. This can lead to routines and rules for ways of doing things, whether for themselves or their families.

The primary symptoms of OCPD are a preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization, and schedules; being very rigid and inflexible in their beliefs; showing perfectionism that interferes with completing a task; excessive focus on being productive with their time; being very conscientious; having inflexible morality, ethics, or values; hoarding items that may no longer have value; and a reluctance to trust a work assignment or task to someone else for fear that their standards will not be met.

Some people with OCPD, but not all of them, show an obsessive need for cleanliness. Those that do not show this tendency are sometimes good at setting up systems to maintain cleanliness, but may not follow through with the need to clean because of other "more important" priorities. For example, the need to get a good grade or finish a project at work might cause the OCPD person to have a quite messy and unorganized home. But if that same person was suddenly unemployed or finished with other activities, he or she could very well start becoming obsessed with cleanliness as other activities take up less time.

Completion of a task or problem by an OCPD individual can be affected when excessive time is used in getting such to be considered right. Personal and social relationships are often under serious strain because the OCPD individual insists on being in charge and the only one who knows what is right. Uncleanliness is seen by some OCPD individuals as a form of lack of perfection, as is untidiness. They may routinely spend considerable time using a precise manner, as for instance putting everything in precisely the right place in precisely the right manner. OCPD sufferers can be anxious about the potential for things to go wrong in their lives and respond by hoarding money. Pathological money hoarding, looking like miserliness or stinginess to other people, may occur to minimize that spent on daily living.

There are few moral grey areas for a person with fully developed OCPD. Actions and beliefs are either completely right or absolutely wrong, with the OCPD individual always in the right. As might be expected, interpersonal relationships are difficult because of the excessive demands placed on friends, romantic partners and children. Sometimes frustration with other people not doing what the OCPD individual wants spills over into anger and even violence. This is known as disinhibition. Persons with OCPD often have a negative outlook on life (pessimism) with a low underlying form of depression. This can at times become so serious that suicide is a real risk. Indeed, one study suggests that personality disorders are a significant substrate to psychiatric morbidity. They may cause more problems in functioning than a major depressive episode.

People with OCPD, when anxious or excited, may tic, grimace, or make noises, as in Tourette syndrome, or do impulsive and unpredictable things, including risk taking. They may keep their homes perfectly organized, or be anxious about delegating tasks for fear that they won't be completed correctly. They may even insist on taking over a task someone else is doing so that it will be done properly. About one in four OCPD individuals may display rigid and stubborn characteristics.


I definitely think the tics are the worse part. Sometimes mine are so painful, because I try to NOT have a tic. I often feel embarrassed about them, and even when I don't try to stop them, they are so sudden they still hurt.

Reading about your experience makes me feel not so alone, and also just having someone finally reply really made my morning.