Finally My Story

[CaliGirl]

I don’t often tell my story and set it in concrete. I tell bits and pieces when needed. It has taken me a long time to decide to write this as with everything I write I always come back and criticize or edit and change it, because I want to be perfectly heard. I guess I worry too much. I am however my worst critic.
I am going to write it in pieces; I want you to know where I am coming from, where I have been and where I am going.
I have been to hell and back and I am still here to tell you about it.
Luvs, CaliGirl

[CaliGirl]

My first taste of panic.

In June of 2006 I was killing time by working out because I was off work. Sometimes I have this bad habit of filling up on coffee in the morning and not eating until afternoon. And on June 15th, the only thing I had to eat was my usual coffee and some grapes. I was doing this training program my friend and I worked out and I felt great. So afterward I decided to take a shower and then I would get something to eat. I took my shower and was getting eggs out of the fridge, when I started to shake really bad. It was very scary. I thought my blood sugar level was dropping, so I ditched the eggs and grabbed some orange juice. I was so scared because I didn’t know what was going on. Looking back now I wished I had guzzled that stupid orange juice.

I was sipping orange juice and tried to sit down, but got right back up and was pacing around going into full fledge panic, it was awful. I finally said to hubby, “Something is wrong with me.â€￾ His reaction of fear sent me over the edge and I regretted saying anything.
He kept asking what was wrong and my mind was reeling. I didn’t know what was wrong. What was wrong? So I ended up pacing around the shrubs in the front yard. I assumed every neighbor was watching. (I really doubt this now). And I went barefoot from the patio to the grass around the shrubs in c***les. His questions caused surges of panic and his fear scared me to death. His questions made my feel like clasping my hands over my ears and shaking my head so he would stop talking. Hubby was so frantic I finally told him I rather just have him sit there and not talk as he was making it so much worse. I was evaluating it, when he asked me if I wanted an ambulance. I thought the fire department would bring me oxygen, and that wouldn’t help. I didn’t think I could handle a ride to the hospital.
So there he sat in the chair and watched me pace.

So I was shaking trembling, choking, so tuned out, and disconnected and felt like I was in agony. I didn’t even recognize all the symptoms I had. This perceives it as someone who didn’t know what anxiety was.
So I continued my fast pace around the shrubs (bushes) for about 3 hours or so and went and laid down on the floor in my room. I don’t know why I chose there. I put my feet up on the nightstand and shook my leg trying to make it all go away. I ended up with a pillow over my head and in the dark. I was practically rocking myself like an infant begging it to go away or to go to sleep so I could wake up fine.

I finally feel asleep exhausted after about 5 hours of solid full fledged panic. I have relocated myself to the bed. I was sure I when I woke up the next morning I would be fine.
I wasn’t fine the next morning, I woke up shaking like a leaf and it started all over, with new symptoms. I couldn’t talk about it, every time I tried to describe it, I felt everything I was describing.
I would just call it plain hell. Later on I was able to recount the symptoms I had and was very shocked.

I had:

Breathing and Chest Symptoms:
Shortness of breath, rapid breathing, shallow breathing, pressure on chest, lump in throat, and choking sensations.

Skin Reactions:
Sweating, itching, hot and cold spells, and face flushed.

Heart and Blood Pressure reactions:
Heart racing, and Palpitations.

Intestinal Symptoms:
Loss of appetite, abdominal discomfort, and pain.

Muscular Reactions: (This is what started this all)
Shaking and tremors, fidgeting, startle reactions, pacing, wobbly legs, and insomnia.

Count them up I had 20 of the 26 most common anxiety (panic) symptoms. So when I say I know what you’re talking about, I really do.


Looking back now I don't know what caused my panic, but I am okay with that.
I came to the conclusion I had to be okay with it or I would go mad trying to find a cause.

CaliGirl


Thaxs for shareing you'r story , it's wierd how we know that

first attack , how it hit us and began to take over ones life.

you have come soooooo far Cali , in accepting the anxiety @panic.

it's great to see you can share your story, as well help so many on talking on it

and facing the fear.... again you come along way's and you keep the hard work

up

way to goooooo

lvs cheer

[serious]

Hi Caligirl, thank you so much for sharing your story, although I have never had a full blown panic attack like you have described, I know that we all can relate to the symptoms in some way. Thank you for sticking it out and coming to chat and contributing in such a positive way!!!

serious/amanda

[freaking-out]

My caligirllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,
Thx for sharing, sounds pretty scary, never had an attack like that. Hope all is well, will catch up soon, tc xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Miss ya! xxx freaky xxx






xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :P

[Anna]

Hiya Caligirl

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us so many of us will be able to relate to you it will help lots of people have a understanding to what is happening to them.

Bless your heart

Love
Anna
xxxx

[CaliGirl]

I switched to blogging, but since this is an accomplishments board I thought I would at least post this here too:
A lot of people wonder how far I have come.
Well I started out with racing thoughts in stutter of panic.
I couldn’t get in a car, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t do anything.
I even kept the door unlocked when I took a shower afraid something would happen.
Okay so what was this great thing I was afraid of.?
I wasn’t afraid of anything other than the physical symptoms of panic.
But since nothing really brought on my panic everything became evil.
Car rides were the worse at first..
Going to the psychologist, my father in law had to drive me and he read a book while I was in.
Driving with anyone felt terrible.
I just wanted to stay home and suffer.
After getting my meds, at one time I decided I would go battle the post office which was like 4 little streets away. I made it there and freaked out when I got home, but wondered how much farther I could make it.
So one day I decided to go to the grocery store, which is in the next town over, about 24 miles round trip. I packed water, cigarettes, a lighter, a cell phone, an inhaler, nose spray. Anything I thought would make me comfy.
I used to pack all kinds of crazy things.
Everybody was worried about me going and wanted to go, I said no I have to do this.
I went and made it back. I figured if anything happened I could pull over and call home and get fetched.
To this day I have yet to be fetched by anyone.
So one day I decided I would make my car a safe place. For months I never ventured further than town.
I had a real problem with pother people driving because that left me time to think. So the doc suggested I keep going places as a passenger and mentally drive the car myself as if I was driving.
So now I made the car a safe place. I would take, a blanket, a pillow, game books, books, and my dumb backpack.
I started getting further out to the next city as a passenger which was about 100 miles round trip which is where my psychiatrist is.
I finally started getting in the car with my cousin and not just my hubby. And every time it got better and better.
I could do more. I started driving to the 100 miles round trip and even doing some shopping there.
I did take a trip to Las Vegas, get to the race tracks and watch the kids race. Then I went to visit some friends and they wanted to go out to eat. The restaurant was a night mare. I started tuning out at all the people and the wait. The noise was too much I couldn’t hear myself thinking positive thoughts and I began to cry. I asked to leave and we ordered in. They were very bummed but understanding.
So from there on everyday I reminded myself how far I made it, and went further and further. I can start to lose it and come back.
I have not started to lose is since last summer though, at least not to the point where it begins to get scary.
So recently I drove 1 ½ hours down below and made it back in rush hour traffic for a night of trick or treating.
So I just booked myself a flight across the country for December 27. This entails driving to Vegas. About 2 hours or so, getting all the stuff done you do at airports, making a transfer, and an hour drive to my sister’s. I am real optimistic. My little daughter is going with me. She is 13. When I get through this I know I will be able to do anything.
Every time I catch myself paying a little too much attention to even a whisper in my body I remind myself I know what it is and it’s okay.
So to sum it up I went from hiding in bed with a pillow over my face, to a hospital, to driving, walking, going to the gym, shopping and finally traveling. I know I am going to be okay.