WARNING: some of the things I describe may be triggers. I know how awful it is to feel fine and then see something that triggers bad thoughts and be up all night.
Well let's just start with my general background. I have had OCD and depression like symptoms since I can remember, off and on. When I was little I would have the urge to touch things repeatedly or in a certain order, open doors a certain way, and hurt things (although i never did). I also dealt with two distinct periods of depression, one when I was 12 and one when I was 15. When I was 15, I also cut myself.
Fast forward to now. I am a successful freshman in college, and things were going smoothly until one night last November. I was feeling down and crying due to stress, and my boyfriend fell asleep. All of a sudden it popped into my head "what if I got a knife and stabbed him?" This was horribly disturbing. Ever since then, I have had these horrible feelings of urgency to stab or poison my loved ones or even myself. However, I am a non-violent person so I don't know where these obsessions and urges are coming from. I have also developed obsessions about death and purposely losing or breaking things that are important to me.
As these thoughts got worse, I felt myself experiencing depersonalization (dissasociation from myself) and depression. I feel like I am not myself and that I am trapped in my own body. It is like watching myself live life while sitting at home on the couch. I have become very depressed and worried that I have no future and that my whole life is a waste. Before this I had big plans for myself. Now I don't even care if I don't see tomorrow.
I need to know how other people would view this situation. Does it sound like Pure O with depression? I am seeing a campus counselor and she is sending me to the psychiatrist next week. It is just hard to imagine that a few months ago I felt completely normal. I am in a very bad state and could use as many helpful responses about this as possible.