OCD, depression, and the end of my world.

[footloose115]

WARNING: some of the things I describe may be triggers. I know how awful it is to feel fine and then see something that triggers bad thoughts and be up all night.

Well let's just start with my general background. I have had OCD and depression like symptoms since I can remember, off and on. When I was little I would have the urge to touch things repeatedly or in a certain order, open doors a certain way, and hurt things (although i never did). I also dealt with two distinct periods of depression, one when I was 12 and one when I was 15. When I was 15, I also cut myself.

Fast forward to now. I am a successful freshman in college, and things were going smoothly until one night last November. I was feeling down and crying due to stress, and my boyfriend fell asleep. All of a sudden it popped into my head "what if I got a knife and stabbed him?" This was horribly disturbing. Ever since then, I have had these horrible feelings of urgency to stab or poison my loved ones or even myself. However, I am a non-violent person so I don't know where these obsessions and urges are coming from. I have also developed obsessions about death and purposely losing or breaking things that are important to me.

As these thoughts got worse, I felt myself experiencing depersonalization (dissasociation from myself) and depression. I feel like I am not myself and that I am trapped in my own body. It is like watching myself live life while sitting at home on the couch. I have become very depressed and worried that I have no future and that my whole life is a waste. Before this I had big plans for myself. Now I don't even care if I don't see tomorrow.

I need to know how other people would view this situation. Does it sound like Pure O with depression? I am seeing a campus counselor and she is sending me to the psychiatrist next week. It is just hard to imagine that a few months ago I felt completely normal. I am in a very bad state and could use as many helpful responses about this as possible.


-Katie

[FLORENCE]

:huh: :huh:



Katie, It's a terrible feeling to think that the plans you had are changing up on you...I think that once you see the psychiatrist, and these things are sorted through , he or she will be able to help you get back to the you, of old. These things take time, so be patient, and work with your Dr. to be yourself again,,, Take care Katie, and God Bless,,,FLORENCE

[dino]

DEAR KATIE
FIRST OFF A HUGE WELCOME TO THE FORUM,SECONDLY I AM SORRY TO READ WHAT A HARD TIME YOU SEEM TO BE GOING THROUGH ATM
AS FLORENCE HAS ALREADY SAID HOPEFULLY ONCE YOU SEE YOUR PYCHIATRIST AND GET THE PROPER MEDICATION ,THEARAPY OR WHATEVER IT TAKES YOU WILL ONCE AGAIN GET BACK TO BEING THAT PERSON YOU ONCE WERE
QUOTE;As these thoughts got worse, I felt myself experiencing depersonalization (dissasociation from myself) and depression. I feel like I am not myself and that I am trapped in my own body. It is like watching myself live life while sitting at home on the couch. I have become very depressed and worried that I have no future and that my whole life is a waste. Before this I had big plans for myself. Now I don't even care if I don't see tomorrow
JUST READING THE ABOVE BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE ,AS I FEEL EXACTLY THAT SAME FEELING'S SO CAN RELATE TO YOU ON THAT PART ,HANG IN THERE KATIE YOUR NOT ALONE
HOPE MAYBE TO CATCH YOU IN CHAT ONE NIGHT ASWELL
BEST WISHES
LOVE DINO
XXXXXXXX

[CAJnCAT]

<span style='colorurple'><span style='font-family:Optima'>
Dear Katie,
to this wonderful forum. I don't have OCD but there are members here that do. I'm so sorry that you are going thru such a difficult time right now. I'm so glad to hear that you are seeking help.
Wishing you all the best,
Connie

</span></span>

[petal]

Dear Katie

Thanks for your post and telling us about yourself.

It really sounds to me like you are doing all the right things - you've been to see a counsellor and you are going to see a psychiatrist - so you are approaching your difficulties with maturity and careful consideration.

When I was at university, I too started to have problems with my mental health. It's fairly common for that to happen. Thank goodness for campus counsellors! I think the stress of college/university can really be difficult and challenging and can cause students to develop temporary mental health problems. It's just the stress of it all - it's stressful being a student!

I get the feeling also that you are a high achiever and want to do really well at college - this is another stress.

As for your thoughts of hurting loved ones, I have a similar issue. I get thoughts of slapping people I'm having conversations with over their faces while I'm having a conversation with them. I've had this thought for years. Of course, I have never actually DONE IT but the thought is there. The thought seems to present itself when I'm anxious. I just acknowledge that the irrational thought to slap the person I'm with is there, and then just dismiss it as a silly thought and continue with the conversation.

Remember, these are just thoughts and thoughts do not necessarily lead to actions.

For me, this thought of slapping the person I am with seems to have become a habit but it doesn't really bother me anymore as I just dismiss it as a silly idea that's popped into my head. I think the interesting thing is that it presents itself when I am anxious (I have generalised anxiety disorder). So, it seems to be symptomatic of my GAD.

Try not to be too concerned about these random irrational thoughts. I'm sure you'll get back on track and achieve everything you want to at college. I wish you every success with your studies.

I hope the appointment with the psychiatrist goes well for you. Please do let us know how the appointment goes.

Wishing you all the best
Petal

[footloose115]

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I really appreciate all the helpful feedback.

As many of you have probably experienced before, it feels wonderful to know that I am not alone in this. I will keep you updated on how my appointment goes next week. Hopefully it will go great and I will be on my way to recovering from all of this.

Hugs to all!
-Katie

[Yoli]

Hello Katie
WElcome to the Forum.
I am glad to hear you are doing something to fight OCD. I wish you the best. Please keep in touch with us. Luck and Hugs. Yoli

[pokerstar]

hello there, sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time i have pure o ocd and its not nice, it gets better with time as you learnt to deal with the thoughts, it used to disturb me alot but now i try to laugh at them, anyway if you ever want to chat and share im new but will be in chat room quiet alot , take care and remember even though these thoughts are disturbing, dont relate them to u as a person , and dont give up your studies, be strong, and hopefully you will be able to give me some advice, hang in there. all the best rob