View Full Version : Agor and my life

11-18-2006, 04:39 PM
I wanted to post this to hopefully explain what I have been going through
and have gone through. I know some will relate and I hope others will
realise they might not have it so bad.

My first PA experience was as a child (approx 6 years old) on a camping trip
with my family. Out of the blue I freaked out, the family was wanting to
go to Disney world and I was freaking not wanting to leave the motor home. I
don't remember much beyond that point just wanting to go home. After that
summer had past and first grade started school was not an option I wouldn't
go, couldn't go. Fear overwhelmed and so did panic. After many spankings and
family rows I was taken to a shrink who thought I was fine and just being
stubborn. They tried the drag me to school, hold me down. Lock me in the
class room etc, I remember it got so bad my mother sat in class with me to try
and keep me there. There was a time the school wanted me put into a psych hospital because they thought I was nuts. I don't exactly remember the time frame but my parents found a psych doctor that understood what was going on
and he diagnosed me with agoraphobia.I don't think they knew PA's in the late 70's. Intermixed with the anx problems I suffered bad IBS, cramps, toilet, etc. (gonna skip the gross stuff). They had me go for test after test and nothing was ever found.
(I think that's where my Doctor Phobia comes from, being held down for
tests, also a bad blood test where the nurse cut the vein and watching blood
run from my arm)
Anyhow, going by memory My old doc tried some different meds that were
avail at the time and nothing worked. So he tried Librax for my gut
problems. That did help.
My oldest sister was for some reason my safe person and I cling ed to her.
She somewhat dragged me out but I went. I remember going to the motorcycle
group meetings. I know for me it helped knowing that my oldest brother would
be there and also one of my adopted brothers would be there. And a lot of
family friends too. I can still remember working with her at the lingerie'
store at night and going down to the hobby store because I was a car model
nut. (LOL) I like the trains too but they were way to expensive. I can still
remember her taking me to the monster truck and mud pulls.
By the time I was 11 (guessing at the age) I was finally riding my bike to
the store with a friend (never alone). I was going to the stores and doing
family stuff,(willingly) whoohoo I was on a roll getting better. I still
suffered from the PA's though but I hid them never understanding what they
were.(you know the all of the sudden , omg its hot, now im cold, shaking,
spots before my eyes etc.)
Then the Migraines set in. I never mentioned them to the doc because I still
avoided the doc like the plague. I got a job working at the local pet store
on weekends. I thought I was finally on my way to normal, or at least what I
though normal was. I still hadn't made it back to public school but my
parents home schooled me. (Thank god for a shrink who understood and parents
who wanted to fight against the state. Now I know what home schooling costs
and I understand why the family never had a lot of money and dad was always
I went to HS with my sister (first older) a few times and that was scary
but I did it. That x-mas season I got a job at the local flea market working
with my sister for a few weeks. I still got the PA's but they were
bearable, and with all the different perfumes and smells there my sister
blamed it on my nose and to stop worrying.(she is a hard ass)
I finally made it back to public school for 9th grade. That was a hell year
for me. PA's, not wanting to go etc. But Puberty set in and I had to do it.
Besides the girls were a good motive at the time. (LOL)
I also picked up a job at the local engine machine shop (whoo hoo car motors
my love) So things were going ok. By 10 th grade I started slipping because
I was out and wanted to see the world but the agor was kicking back in.
Autobody work also helped (and I found someone to teach me), at the time I
thought it relaxed me but now many years later I realize I was stoned out of
my mind. The migraines really flared up but I kept pushing. I had 2 close
friends who I think knew what was up so they helped push me a little by
dragging me to concerts, parties and car shows.They always jumped in for
some reason when I was feeling a little shaky or things got out of hand
with someone else. (Hey I had body guards LOL)
Anyhow for some reason I got over the hump and started doing better. Had a
few mild set backs and a broken heart, family moved to another state.
Finally found my current better 1/2 (partner), opened up my own business
all in all I was holding my own everything going good.

Fast forward to 2001 and I crashed hard. Agor flared up (housebound) and PA
central. Like someone flipped a switch it all went to shite. Thank god the
PA's are only mild now. More phobic of doctors and dds then I have ever been
I want to go out but the desire to push has gone But sitting around here is
making me bored out of my rocker.
In 04 Xanax induced I was able to move to a new place.(doc tried a bunch of
other meds prior and they all made me physically sick) Unfortunately I can't
take the xanax on a daily basis, to me the side effects are more bother some
then the anx. I what if myself about the med and since my business uses
sharp cutters and flying metal I need to keep my wits about me.
This year I was doing fairly good, a few short trips but finally starting
to go out. In April I had a full physical even a blood test, (actually made
it through the test before a PA set in, Man that one was a doosy) I got a
clean bill of health and with in a week I fell down again. Now I don't know
if it was because I did the xanax for a week at 1/2 dosage like the doctor
said, or just I snapped again. Unfortunately I have been on a down ward
spiral again. I have even been trying to do my hobby stuff again but the
body rebels with dizzy spells, palps, muscle pains, chest pains, sinus
migraines, etc. I have had 1 day in 4 month that I actually felt good. (sorry
venting) I am hoping it is the season change that has me wanting not to go
out, or go anywhere. I hate being cold and its getting cold quick.

11-18-2006, 05:56 PM
<span style='color:green'>((((((((((JRM)))))))))))))

Being old friends, you know I have said some of these things to you before.

YOU helped me in my darkest hour; perhaps you were doing better at that time, but still, you DID teach me how to move on.

I so want to do that for you now! Remember the baby steps you taught me? Remember how you and several others stayed on chat with me while I went out my door for the first time? Remember how you helped me come down from the terror of the monster PA I had when I first stepped beyond my fence? Can you recall those things enough to use them on yourself?

I understand the part about just not caring enough to do anything about our problems, but we both know we have to force ourselves; not wait for the "desire" to do. These days, since I have also "fallen down my mountain" again, I can empathize with you more than ever!

I recently had a horror of a medical experience as well and had my pain not been so bad I thought I would need to die to feel better, I would have stayed in my house forever more. But the physical pain drove me on. I went to a new doc and expressed my problems of agor, PAs, etc. Thankfully I found one that was very understanding and even discussed it with me. He didn't treat me like I was just a nut with "mentally induced" pain; he believed me and treated me. This has helped take the fear of docs back a bit. Shortly I will have to go downtown ALONE, driving myself, for an MRI. I am scared spitless!!

But, having had to do this before, I learned I am going to fall to pieces, but I will not die!! The anticipatory fear is the absolute worst! But then when that anticipatory comes true, OMG!! Still, you need to figure out what is absolutely necessary for you to get better and force yourself as though you were one of your old "body guards" dragging you to a concert :)

Have you tried using the "cell mate" technique? It worked really well for me several times. If you have a cell phone, call someone you trust to understand, and then talk to them the entire time you do whatever it is you must do. It's a fantastic diversion to keep back the fear as it feels like a "safe person" is with you.

As far as Xanax, I don't blame you for being freaked by them. I could not take that feeling as they come on. Right now I am having to take some pretty strong pain medication, and cheer can tell you, I have had several PAs as soon as I felt them kick in. (I so want to tell my doc that some of us could never become addicted to certain meds cuz they scare us instead of give us a "high.")

I have suggested this to you before, but I will again. Could you try Klonopin? I find it soooooo much better.
1. It doesn't come on with that rush.
2. You just take small amounts twice a day (in the morn and at bedtime....which helps with the sleep).
3. It is slow-acting, long-lasting so you don't have that "high" and fear you will chop off a finger while working...it's so mild, you barely notice you have taken anything, except that you can sleep again and don't live every day in one PA after another.
4. When you get enough sleep and are able to eat correctly, which this med allows, your self-esteem and courage rise, and you find you can do more than you could before.

Well, you know I care about you very much and I hope someday you will take some of MY advice :lol:

Never the less, remember that I care and am here to support you anytime!</span>

11-18-2006, 06:47 PM

I dont have Agro. But I want to atleast help. With anyone of the list of phobias,mental illnesses etc there is a few things one needs to be able to succeed. Thats confidence in ones self, courage, and really a desire to fight the battle. I now get so angry when my ocd acts up, I want to beat its ass so bad. There are days where it will win and there are days I will win. in the end it all works out. Im only 27 so my wisdom level isnt that high but I try to lend a hand. Take care of yourself

Stay well


11-19-2006, 12:31 AM
Dear JRM

I'm not sure if I've welcomed you to the forum yet, so if I haven't ... a huge welcome to you :) !

I've had a glimpse of agoraphobia when I've been unable to leave the flat a few times due to paranoia, and it wasn't nice at all.

I have a friend who has bad agoraphobia and panic disorder but he recently went for 3 years without being agoraphobic and his panic attacks disappeared as well. He was content in those carefree years but unfortunately was forced to move to a place where he was no longer content and his agoraphobia and panic attacks came back. I have every hope that he will be free of these disorders once he moves, which he's planning on doing.

What I'm trying to say is that change is possible and inevitable. You'll get there. I'm sure of that. All you need is some determination and a willingness to change. Sometimes that means you need to get professional help. I know this is expensive but I consider it an 'investment'. My 'investment' has paid off for me. I've now been working for 3 years. I have my setbacks but they are just that - setbacks. I get up and move forward again. I'm sure you can too.

Thanks for posting your story. It's really wonderful when 'newbies' take the time to post about themselves. It makes it much easier for 'oldies' to respond.

My problems are generalised anxiety disorder and depressive illness. The GAD is much more the problem these days. I only get depressed every now and then. My GAD is much better than it used to be too. I think this is the case because I've sought good professional help when I've needed it and have the determination and willingness to change for the better.

I look forward to speaking with you more.

You take care now
Petal http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/tiere/animal-smiley-085.gif

11-19-2006, 01:24 PM

as i have told you many times , as the agropobic you are we are so a like :blink: .
you cant imagine how much You have helped me as well threw knowing you.
it's as Rocky said use the steps baby steps and the tools all my best to you my friend hang in hope to see ya sone all my lvs at you.

you never sezied to amaze me jrm you have helped so many, time for you to get some back, one step at a time :wub: