yet more ranting from a mad woman

[jools]

having yet another crappy day.not sleeping very well at the moment.cant seem to find the point in anything at all,just so dissatisfied with life,so restless.then i think what do i expect from life,most peoples lives are just as mundane,even those without anxiety problems.i am so damn lonely,feel so unimportant,and insignificant,like i could just vanish,and no one would even notice,(well the bf would,coz who would cook his dinner,and wash his pants).but i annoy myself,coz i have so much more than so many people,i have a wonderful man(well most of the time)my family,a few really good friends,and a lovely home(well it will be,its a building site at the moment),so why the hell cant i feel happy about it.i was really on the up,feeling strong and positive,then bam,i come crashing down again.my rational,and irrational sides are at constant war with eachother,i feel like screaming,just shut up and let me have some peace.my boyfriend had the nerve to say ,you think your life is hard try having mine.yeah its so easy living with phobias.well i,d swap,exchange a life of fear and restriction for freedom,and the ability to do normal things that normal people do without thinking about,to be able to work,to go wherever you like,yes i,ll have that thanks.it seems that i get a bee in my bonnet and i think right thats it,no more,push on make achivements,and i start to get some beleif in myself,then some thing will pop into my head,and set me back.i am constantly worried about my health,always got aches and pains,then fret that it is something terrible.how on earth can i move forward.sory for being such a miserable old bag.

[mama]

Hey Jools....
I'm just going to give you a hug ok...((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

I think you needed that....:)

love mama :)

[Snowy]

Hey Jools,

I feel the exact same way you feel most of the time, but a bit differently I guess. I am disabled, but not to the point where I can't do anything at all. It has changed my life completely, I can't work, and taking care of my family is not the way I want it to be. I get angry, emotional, I have nothing that makes me want to try. my husband will do everything, the kids are almost 15 and 13. They pretty much do what they want, I feel unneeded, useless etc. I use to make challanges for myself each day, not anymore..........

Sometimes I feel I hide behind bipolar and chronic pain..but then I was up every night till 3 or 4 am and sleeping til noon. Last night I wanted to go to bed early, so I was asleep by 11pm, I woke at 12 to have a pee, then at 1cause hubby jumped in his sleep and scared me, also the pain started in my back and legs. Then I dozed in and out of sleep because of pain, I ended up getting up at 3:30am, so that was my nights sleep. It is useless for me to go to bed, it really is.

Then I am tired all day, I start hating myself because I am a failure as a mother and wife, and I too don't think they would notice if i wasn't here..........

Then other days I can feel completely different. Sometimes I wonder if it is hormones doing all this crap to my mind, cause damn I am an emotional girl.

Bubbles

[DP]

Sounds like me at times, i was always a great sleeper had a good 12-14 hours a day! now i have about 5 hours most at night and im tired all day and have to have my nap in the afternoon. Im sure your hormones are all over the place and thats why your feeling up and down emotionally. As for being a failure as a mother and wife i disagree im sure they think your the best mum and wife and would miss you more than you know if you wasn't there. I have 3 sons 15/13/10 so i know how life can be for them,its nothing against you they are just growing up.How many teens want to be around there parents!!! i know i didnt lol.
Be proud of them growing into lovely young adults