F$2# it

[dewey]

Please read post "is there a phobia for this?" first before reading below.


Wow does this ever fucking stop???? I just wrote in the phobia section about previous problem......I have no clue anymore. I keep thinking that I did something and i didnt. For example: Stop reading for a moment and look at an object in your sight....ok good....now I will do the same......12 hours later I will question if I actually looked at that object (just an example) of what I go through. Like did i wake up and go to work from my house or did i wake up somewhere else and go to work?my relapse is worse than when I was having issues here and there. My mind creates these stories and I start to fucking believe them and go with it till Im scared. I couldnt bare going to work today because I did not want to think about it,I just wanted to sleep. Im never ever suicidal,bu t there are those depressing times where I feel that Im a stupid misfit. no one gets it.not the damn parents and not my fiance' all they do is get pissed off. If any of you have seen the mvie the CROW, you would remember the end, when brandon lee puts both hands on that bad guy and feeds his brain with all that brandon saw and felt. Thats the power I wish I had so that people can step in my head for one minute. I try so god damn hard in life to be kind, to stick up for people, to give people the benefit of the doubt. Help the homeless,care for those around me,,,,and yet I still walk this world with the weight on my shoulders with this. than i have the weight of getting married,and buying a house and having kids....money and selling my hotrod for a normal car....all this is piling up. the meds im on can kiss my ass. they dont work.ive tried zoloft,paxil,and now this stupid ass drug called lexapro. klonopin helps with the panic but nothing can take away these thoughts. these burdens. this handicap. fuck,im a normal guy with this issue. if you saw me in public or met me you wouldnt have a clue that im having these issues. I dont know where to turn anymore, everytime i turn right i should have gone left and everytime i turn left i should have gone right,,,,,going straight just makes me hit a wall. im so fucking pissed right now. i go from fear,to anger, to crying my stupid little eyes out. all i want is this to just chill. i can deal with it here and there, but not one after another.my body,my head my family and relationship cannot take this anymore. i walk with this shit everyday, i fear it the minute i wake up. i even throw up bile almost every morning now it seems. and i take great care of my teeth, put vinears on last year on all teeth cus everyone seems to like my smile plus i want them to look good in photos. i dont want to waste my money on my vinears with fucking bile! :angry: I dunno what everyone bleieves in as far as religion, but i will state im a catholic and that i respect everyones opinions on the afterlife......but with that said, whoever we believe is our maker, why do so many of us suffer....not just us with our mind issues but everyone....people in the war...9/11 all that shit. it makes no sense. it seems like its always the kind and good people who get screwed. case in point...drunk drivers can drive drunk total their car and they walk away with a scratch while a family gets really hurt or dies....i just dont get it. im gonna keep trying. i just need support. i think we all need to look at ourselves in the mirror and think....than come to this site where people care about others.....il make a deal with you all......if you be my pillar of strength il be yours. :) ahhhh thx for the vent session. sorry if i rambled.

Dewey

[Eaglewings]

Oh Dewey,
Well explained, I'm sorry I do know where you are coming from. Call them phobias, anxieties, OCDs etc they all seem to attack you. Those hideous internal mind 'traps'. And yes noone seems to understand e.g. in desperaton for help I've rung up telephone LIFELINE counsellors who don't have clue what OCD is - HELLO, one of the biggest ANXIETY disorders there is!!!!! I've lived with Bi-Polar for 24 years and OCD for 13. Sometimes its like hitting your head against a brick wall-unless you've walked in those shoes you don't have a clue-family& friends (well meaning as they are) included. Recently, fortunately with my health in tact, I've given up my job as it was too oppressive. I was treated like "shit" and was never allowed into the "click." My own managers had little concern for my health and well being and the final straw came when I fell asleep at the wheel of a government car and crossed in front an oncoming lane of traffic. I was constantly overworked and pushed relentlessly. This was despite being very hard working and technically competent (Yes they always abuse the hard working people). So I drew a line in the sand and am off work on Sick Leave indefinately. I won't be going back to work though-I deserve better, I want to come home feeling human for a change. They have pushed me too far. They haven't rung me since I left - they just bury their heads in the sand. As my Dr put it, Humans can behave like animals. But we must move on. 24 years ago I attempted to take my life by overdose. I lost everything:friends, health, career, study etc. and for 3 yrs I struggled through a jaded existence on Australian Sickness benefits. Through God's grace (yes I'm a little religious) I managed to get back. Today I am married to a lovely caring woman and have 2 beautiful children. We own our home and live close to the ocean on the East Coast of Australia and I know we'll get around the obstacles ahead. You've got to reallise you are not finished but will move onto bigger and better things - the family is well worth it and worth fighting for. You will get there. I still stuggle badly with the OCD and need to run things by sufferers as yourself for advice with specific examples. In recent days I have started to come to terms with the fact that for the rest of my life I will be plagued by non-sensical doubts and idiotic false messages from the brain. I am starting to reallise that I cannot just stand against these things and fight them with my will as e.g. OCD is far more powerful. But It is also a "stupid" disorder and plants the same fears and doubts into my brain. I now understand I need to call the OCD, phobia, or anxiety for what it is and to acknowledge that it is the result of a biochemical imbalance in my brain. I then need to move on and do an activity for a period of time. This way I am attempting to move the broken down gears in the brain. I'm not perfect, as I have really hurt my wife (emotionally) when things have go bad and I shudder to think the effect that it is having on my children - but they are resilient. This is why I have given up my job - I reallise that life is too short (I'm 42) and I must start to learn to appreciate things more (people). Dewey when my OCD gets bad, its people like yourself that I will need to turn to for support. I'm all for your suggestion



Regards



Eagle Wings

[Eaglewings]

Send a little prayer my way, now financially looks like I'll have to return to the job in 2 to 4 mths time. This Sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!