annabellee
05-18-2012, 09:00 AM
Dear forum members,
I am eighteen and I could have had a daughter or son of 1 right now. My former boyfriend was a dominant and compulsive person and because I was on birth-control pills, he refused to use condoms. One day I forgot my birth-control pill and had to get a morning after pill at the doctor. This made me sick and since I'm very sensitive to hormonal changes, it took me months to get back to my normal self (I tend to have depressions and panic attacks). So when I forgot my birth-control pill a second time, I kept it silent, because I was scared of feeling sick again. Unfortunately I missed my period, so I knew what was going on and bought myself a pregnancy test. It indicated pregnancy. My boyfriend wanted me to finish my school and make career, for he cared only about making money. He once told me that he'd either kill or abandon me if I'd be pregnant. I knew my parents would force me to get an abortion, so I remained quiet. No one but my best friend knew about it.
One night I woke up covered in blood and had an instant panic attack. I hid it from my parents and boyfriend by saying I was on my period, but I knew I had lost my child..
Meanwhile I have left that compulsive boyfriend and I'm with a very gentle and sweet guy now. My memories of the pregnancy and losing my child hunt my thoughts nonetheless. I can't stop thinking about it and it has made me extremely scared of being pregnant again one day. I know it might have been for the best to lose my child, for I was too young and too naive to be a good mother, but it feels as if I lost a piece of myself that day. Maybe it will change when I'm older, but I am so scared of pregnancy. My cousin is pregnant now and I just can't stand being around her, though she doesn't deserve that at all.
I don't ever want to feel the way I felt when I was pregnant again and I'm way too scared of losing another child. My boyfriend and I haven't talked about children yet, but our relationship is getting very serious and I guess I'll have to tell him sometime.
How will I be able to do that? And also, is this a form of tokophobia or something else (seen I have panic attacks, depression and separation anxiety as concluded by my therapist)? I know I could ask my therapist, but I'm really uncomfortable with talking about it.
I am eighteen and I could have had a daughter or son of 1 right now. My former boyfriend was a dominant and compulsive person and because I was on birth-control pills, he refused to use condoms. One day I forgot my birth-control pill and had to get a morning after pill at the doctor. This made me sick and since I'm very sensitive to hormonal changes, it took me months to get back to my normal self (I tend to have depressions and panic attacks). So when I forgot my birth-control pill a second time, I kept it silent, because I was scared of feeling sick again. Unfortunately I missed my period, so I knew what was going on and bought myself a pregnancy test. It indicated pregnancy. My boyfriend wanted me to finish my school and make career, for he cared only about making money. He once told me that he'd either kill or abandon me if I'd be pregnant. I knew my parents would force me to get an abortion, so I remained quiet. No one but my best friend knew about it.
One night I woke up covered in blood and had an instant panic attack. I hid it from my parents and boyfriend by saying I was on my period, but I knew I had lost my child..
Meanwhile I have left that compulsive boyfriend and I'm with a very gentle and sweet guy now. My memories of the pregnancy and losing my child hunt my thoughts nonetheless. I can't stop thinking about it and it has made me extremely scared of being pregnant again one day. I know it might have been for the best to lose my child, for I was too young and too naive to be a good mother, but it feels as if I lost a piece of myself that day. Maybe it will change when I'm older, but I am so scared of pregnancy. My cousin is pregnant now and I just can't stand being around her, though she doesn't deserve that at all.
I don't ever want to feel the way I felt when I was pregnant again and I'm way too scared of losing another child. My boyfriend and I haven't talked about children yet, but our relationship is getting very serious and I guess I'll have to tell him sometime.
How will I be able to do that? And also, is this a form of tokophobia or something else (seen I have panic attacks, depression and separation anxiety as concluded by my therapist)? I know I could ask my therapist, but I'm really uncomfortable with talking about it.