didnt understand how this was going to truly fuck me over

[Jessica.]

well shit. excuess the language. my mom saw my cuts...she was all weird about it and wanted to have a talk, i dunno, like a mother daughter moment...well the bitch starts off all affectionate then she drops the bomb "you are so not going away" and i was like "going away where?" and she goes "oh i think you know" and i couldnt help but kinda laugh and say "wow, i can't believe you are going to further crush my dream of going to college in california because of this little thing" and she starts going off about how this isn't a little thing, and now shes trying to make me talk to someone and ugh! it's all shit! so i was like "okay, i'm not talking to anyone because i dont need anyone, and i will go to california if thats my dream" then i think she saw through me a little bit and was like "why do you really want to be in california?" and i couldn't help but tell her the truth, so i was like "because i hate it here! i hate everything about everything here!" and she goes "what do you mean?" and i was totally honest again (i think all my honesty might have kinda been breaking her heart) so i was like "i just hate it, i mean home is alright, i guess..but i dont know i just dont like anything, i need to start fresh, i need somewhere where i can be me and start all over" and again shes a bitch "jessie, if you want to reinvent yourself-" "-NO! no, i like who i am, i like me, i'm a good person, i'm okay but i need a clean slate, a new world for me" her: "what? you think going to california will give you a fresh start? no, you'll bring the baggae with you" and i'm crying, i mean i am crying, not sobbing but tears are falling like crazy! and the whole time shes holding my hand, and i had asked her to let me go multiple times and she was like "no, i'm not letting you go" like shittt. anyway she doesnt get it, i know that when i leave i will have the desire to have that new slate, that new experience, the fresh start, thats all i want. in the end, i have no phone, no computer (my ipod;) haha), no car except to and from school, and basicaslly no life...this isn't me! i'm not this girl who cuts themselves then gets in trouble, but i could never tell her that i do it because i break under pressure, or i feel like i'm not good enough for them..anyway back to the conversation so i said "please, please just let go of me" and she was like "this isn't some little thing that i'm just going to pass off" and i said "oh and why?! you did the first time!" she literally stopped and was like "well thats because you promised me you would never do this again, you said you were just experimenting with it and you weren't gonna do it again" alright, honestly, gimme a break i had cuts up and down my arms! thats not experiments, experimenting is a few times at most, you could see that i was clearly in way over my head. mind you, she didn't shed a tear, shes telling me she loves me and when i do it it hurts her, but her words were cold, they were like ice crystals, i didnt want to hear what she had to say. then my little sisters came in and i booked it because i dont want them to see me in tears...

anyway i didn't realize how this was gonna fuck me over, like california, it's crazy that she even brought that up, i thought i had it in the bag...and now a thearpist? no, no thanks, i'd rather post on the internet than say it all outloud...i dont know, i just never saw today happening...