Jessica.
10-10-2011, 07:08 PM
well if the title didnt say enough, i've come to a conclusion. during my 21 days clean i treated myself like gold, i was telling everyone to treat yourself right because thats what we all deserve, and it is. but i realized that after those 21 days i stopped caring about myself and sad thing is i know why. i had come to this site to get some answers and tell my story so i would know exactly what to do to get better, and when i got better i wanted to help others...alright well i came on, told my story, and was getting help, one person was truly pushing me to be the person who i truly am, i stopped in the mist of where i lost myself and started being me again. the person who got me there took a vacation from my life..not sure when he's getting back from wherever but literally he took a vaction...anyway for that 21 days he was here supporting me, telling me everything is gonna be okay and i was telling him all the great stuff i was doing for myself, and how much better i was feeling, and all that..2 days after he left i started cutting again and it's because i had no self love, he was literally my motivation, i was only doing all those things to tell him. and i know, thats so wrong, i shouldn't be doing things like that for other people, but i was, i was only treating myself like that because i knew it wouldn't disappoint him and it would make him proud of me. i stopped that because i had no one to tell, no one who really cared to share it with..so i reverted back to self harm and i'm back in this downward spiral and it's like i'm never gonna get myself back! every single day is a fight, and every single fight, i lose. i dont know how anymore, i feel like i have absoutly no mental strength to pull through and i'm just frustrated and tired of the bullshit...sorry for the language but you know what i mean, like no matter how hard you try you just can't amount to anything, and i hate that feeling of hopelessness because it takes you over mentally and physically and just wares you out, and it sucks -__-