View Full Version : Lost My Hatred
I used to extremely hostile all the time. If not at others, in my head. I could feel the hate inside killing me. Random pains, tension in chest, thoughts of painful things, bad memories reminiscing, not being able to sleep-the level of hate I experienced cannot be put into words. However, it as if one day it all just left. Some would think of this as a good thing, but now I am so empty and lost. I smile and laugh and try to be nice, even though I'm sad or upset. I feel like a complete wimp, completely opposite of my old self. I feel ridiculous acting like this, because my whole life I have undergone traumas that most people never experience. I feel like I am the only one who acts this way, meaning I respond to a life-changing trauma by kindness and sorrow, other than anger and rage. WHY DON'T I HATE ANYMORE? WHY HAVE I LOST MY BACKBONE? Has anyone felt like this?
04-08-2011, 09:54 PM
Yes, Mik, totally I've been that way. I think you are in a different stage in your recovery, and your body has moved on. Sometimes it repeats the anger process, but this isn't uncommon. I remember telling my therapist at the time, I wish I had the anger back because at least I was focused and my energies have purpose. Now I'm just depressed and a lump on a log! What's wrong with me?! she told me the same thing I told you. Can you remember what triggered it? Do you feel depressed? There could be reasons that you may be able to pinpoint that started you down this pathway. But you aren't wierd, it's just that your body is moving onto a different step in your healing journey.
I don't think it's a loss of backbone either. I think that whatever your body is responding to, it needs to go through these phases to equilibriate. That will take time, but in the meantime, know that your response is normal. Take care.
From another fellow PTSD sufferer,
Thank you, colourgirl, for your reply. It means a lot to me. What you are saying makes sense, and I hope to eventually get out of the depression stage and maybe move on. Thanks again for your advice.