Maybe if I write it out, I'll feel better, idk.

[chickie]

I've been gradually feeling more overwhelmed as the week has gone along. I started out ok, although I wanted a day off from work Monday. I took the opportunity to do things around the house and to slough off too. I felt a little more anxious on Tuesday, I'm not sure why. Definitely more overwhelmed. Didn't go to work again that day (I have enough leave I can take with pay). I did manage to start digging thoroughly into my piles of belongings and clutter that are stuffed here and there.

Through this group and some self work I've done over the last couple of years, I'm coming to the realization that I am a recovering hoarder. I used to be very bad. Like the reality show bad. Like almost getting kicked out of an apartment in 1996-bad. Since then I've downsized a lot and living with my boyfriend helps keep me in check. He's a neat freak, although he doesn't really know how bad my hoarding was, he just thinks I'm messy. Which is ok, I guess. I used to be much more ashamed of it but looking back on my progress, I know how far I've come.

I still feel shame sometimes though, although it's more of a personal shame. How can I have so many loose ends? How long will it take me to get rid of everything I don't need? And that's where I start getting overwhelmed. I know I need to keep moving on the projects, keep sorting and organizing and discarding and putting things in a permanent home but it's a heavy burden.

So by Wednesday, I had a good dose of anxiety going on and called into work yet again. By that time I'd been in the same pajamas most of the week and hadn't gone out of the house. I'm not agoraphobic, but there wasn't any need or desire to go out. I did some productive things inside the house, got laundry done and am in the process of figuring out how to make my belongings WORK in the space I am allotted (i.e., I don't have a mansion). I get going and feel good about some progress but then when I stop I see how far I have left to go. And I almost cry. I don't know how long it will take me to do this, I feel like it will take forever. I have piles of papers and stacks of magazines and things that are not filed. They are in a room, mostly, but no method to the madness. Most are in boxes, so I need to open up a box and go through everything, one by one. Important things are mixed in with things that can be thrown away. I struggle a little with some of the things I need to let go of, but for the most part I do ok on being able to get rid of things without major torment. Clothing, shoes, earrings, etc, I can let go of. I have two very large boxes started with things to go to the thrift store---winter coats and really crummy sweatpants and a stray dish I don't need anymore, etc. I'm ok with the things I struggle with for now, since there is so much I am able to successfully get rid of, I'll worry about the obstacle items later. When everything else is tidy looking, I'll be able to look at the items that are so hard to let go of and think differently about them (as in, see how nice everything else looks? see how fulfilled I am without needing such-and-such? etc).

I went to work on Thursday, still anxious, but work is now a good distraction. I'm overwhelmed though. I am not sure how to finish what I've started. I have clothing strewn all over so I can sort and wash and see what needs mending, etc. Much of it can go on hangars, some of it can go in storage until winter (a new idea for me: put sweaters in those vacuum sacks and squish them to a smaller size). How will I have enough time to get it done? I still have to work full time and often I'm tired when I get home. Then on weekends I want to do something else. I need to come up with a reasonable routine that will keep progress flowing, yet not burn me out but keep me inspired too.

I managed to throw out a good amount before trash pick up today, plus a good sized bag of recycling as well. I have a clean slate until next week's garbage pickup and an empty recycle bin that I can fill up over the next two weeks. Plus keep trying to fill up those giant boxes with things to give away.

I'm rambling, I'm just trying to sort out the feeling of being overwhelmed by such a large project. And no, I can't ask my BF or a friend for help, it's all on me. :(

[chickie]

I feel a little less overwhelmed in some ways today, a little more in others.

Last night I needed to find some items for a class I'm taking this weekend. Items I haven't used nor seen in 7 years. On the first pass, I found the majority of what I was looking for. That I had to move stacks of boxes to get to it is another matter, but I still did pretty good, and managed to put everything back the way it was so it doesn't look like yet another disaster zone. I think I know where more of it is and can look early tomorrow morning before my class, and if I can't find more of the items I'm ok because I found the bare minimum of what I need.

That made me feel a little better about my chaos, that I was able to track something down in a short amount of time. Until I got to work this morning. My desk is a complete trainwreck. It is so bad that I cannot find anything. Even my manager has mentioned it, it's embarrassing to me but apparently not enough to mobilize myself to do something useful about it. I just mope, I'm so overwhelmed that I'm frozen to inertia. It's hampering my productivity and I feel worse about myself.

Again, having help isn't an option, I need to handle it myself. I just wish I could overcome my anxiety about it and get things organized. I think part of what is holding me back is a little fear of failure, although that isn't all of it. Somehow I'm worried that I won't get it organized properly, but clearing the first hurdle of actually STARTING seems to be the biggest speedbump currently.

<sigh> I wish I were a tidier person.

[massagemom]

okay, couldnt read all that but i am cluttery as well. I find that one thing a time and a timer best thing for me. that and to get off my butt and do it usually helps. Wish I was tidier and alot of things as well, but i am who I am, I can only do some many things at a time. choose your battles.

hugs

[chickie]

Thanks mm. I wish I could say that the bulk of it is just clutter, but luckily I have been getting off my butt about it recently. A timer might be a good idea during the work week, when I struggle the most with finding or making the time. I am just overwhelmed with how long it will take to sort out all my stashes of <censored>. I am honestly talking about several months. A year, even, maybe.

I've been away from home, house-sitting, for the last few days so no work has been accomplished since Wednesday. I'll get back on it tomorrow. I'll try to do 40-45 minutes a few days during the work week and see how that goes.

[massagemom]

yeah, I understand. I do this at times, pick a day or two a week, and set your sights on one area, example, that box next to my bed. the cabinets above washer etc.

Just be careful of the "dropped an egg' as my client so eleganlty put it.

Means, you go to wipe the egg of the floor end up wiping down the walls etc, and nothing gets done.

love and hugs