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tdp76
03-23-2010, 04:09 PM
Hi,
I am new.
To this forum. To seeking professional help. To the admission, to myself primarily, that ignoring the issues of my past is not really surviving, rather the allowance of those things to bleed into my future, like the gaping wounds they are.
To a number of things I suppose.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and the myriad of other abuses that followed in addition to and as a result of.
I have 11 years of mostly blocked memories.. the first 11 years, and consequent blocks of time since. I say mostly blocked memories, because after the birth of my 3rd child, I guess something cracked within my psyche and some memories began to "leak" via night terrors (which I have had no rest from since), various triggers and flashbacks.
I am seeing a therapist finally, which has been a long journey. I, oddly, had to overcome many obstacles regarding the seeking out of all forms of health professional assistance, or maybe not so oddly, in order to finally take the step of getting some much needed help.
I have suffered with panic and anxiety attacks for as long as I can remember. I found ways to deal with them over the years, but at this point in my life, those ways are no longer effective.
My therapist suggested that participating in forums, such as this one, could be very helpful, and a healing experience. I hope so.
I am currently suffering, along with the intensified panic and anxiety attacks, from agoraphobia and PTSD ( depression and all other sorts of issues that go along with this stuff).
I am unable to work presently, and this is leaving me and my significant other not only in a financial bind, but also making me feel even more badly about myself, but my rational mind is telling me that finances are the least of my problems right now. It is just a sad fact of reality, that money, or the lack of it, can add an incredible amount of extra pressure and stress when trying to cope with this healing process that has just begun for me, for both of us.
My body has been screaming at me for a good number of years to "DO" something about my past, rather than continue to block and lock those things away. Swallowing and eating all the crap that I have eaten and swallowed for so long. A poison that is eating me from the inside out.
I find myself wondering many many times in a day, if it is normal to feel "phantom" pains in my body that seem to change places with every morning, afternoon and/or evening. What is normal anyway?
For most of my life, I have felt disconnected from everyone and everything.
I have felt a little like "Alice" I suppose, like I am on the other side of the looking glass, looking "in" on my life.
Perhaps this has been something that allowed me to preserve my sanity for so long. I could "trick" myself into believing that these things happened to someone else, and not to me.
I am going through so much right now, that all of my thoughts and feelings seem so disjointed and discombobulated.
I have incredible mood swings, and can go from anger to tears in the span of a heart beat. I get extremely irritable for no valid reason, and get "snappy" and overly sarcastic and cynical. I view the general population as "enemies" to be avoided or "fought" at all costs. (By fought I mean that I am extremely defensive to anything anyone says or does that makes me feel threatened in any small. tiny way).
My partner is also going to counselling and is more understanding and supportive than I could have ever imagined that I deserve. Unfortunately for him, he is most often the bearer of the brunt of my many mood swings. I detest this part of healing, because he is the very LAST person who I would wish to hurt. (not that I want to hurt anyone, because I don't, but in truthfulness, I often have fantasies of being able exact revenge on the perpetrators, even though I have not got the faintest idea of who "they" are, in regards to the worst portions of the abuse)
I am so full of fear and terror that seems so completely irrational.
I am afraid of what is going to happen once I open the flood gates. I am afraid I will not be able to control the break down of my mind, and that I will "loose" any sense of self I have fought so hard to preserve.
I was asked, when going through the intake process for counselling, if I was suicidal or a danger to myself or others. I answered in automatic denial.
Mostly because I could not define for myself what "suicidal" meant.
I can remember in my teen-aged years (numerous occasions), sitting in the bathroom with a bottle of Tylenol in my hands, imagining what it would be like to swallow the entire bottle, go to sleep and not wake- up. For this all to just be over, and finally have some peace.
The first funeral I went to was when I was 11, for my great grandmother, who I was extremely close to. What struck me then, was how people say "Rest in Peace" when someone passes on. Dieing didn't sound so bad, if that was the outcome.
As an adult now, and during that intake, I was asked that question, and inside my head I knew I still feel that way.
Like I wish I could just lay down, go to sleep, and "rest in peace". And not wake up again, with all of these things boiling inside of me.
To tell you the truth, I do not know really what my purpose for starting my own topic was.
Maybe just to open up a little in relative safety?
Maybe to hear that I am not alone? (even if I "know" I am not)
Perhaps to hear someone say that there is light at the end of the tunnel?....
......

Or maybe...

That "Alice" can and will succeed at finally breaking through the looking glass.

(and come out on the other side a whole person and not a shattered vessel, full of mad hatter dreams, cheshire riddles, and "off with their head's" madness)

rangersue
07-31-2010, 02:00 AM
im sorry you went through so much in your life and continue to suffer. When i have days where i want to end it all i hold onto my child and look into his eyes and say to myself how could i take away his mother. When you have bad days try to focus on your childrens faces. My son cheers me up when he dances, laughs and tries to tickle me. Im having a rough time at the moment with anxiety and panic attacks, i try to do activities with my son like painting. Remember this: you are loved and you will be sadly missed. I wish you the very best. Take care.

Manolet
07-31-2010, 02:41 AM
Yes, tdp76, there is always light at the end of every tunnel. It's a good thing you're now in this forum because here you can find and interact with people who are going through more or less the same things. One important undercurrent that could be gleamed from your post is that you are not in denial of the affliction that batters you. Admission is always a good thing. That's where it all begins. I wish you all the luck in your journey towards healing. See you around the forum.