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View Full Version : More Guilt im a selfish cow !!!!!!!!!!!!



dino
10-29-2008, 09:53 AM
Hiya all

I wasen't sure was his right place to post this but it says family so here goes :)

As a lot of you already know our oldest son is going to become a daddy anytime now due date was 25th now i know i should be over the moon at becoming a nana and dont get me wrong in many ways i am but and it is a huge but i cannot help feeling even more usless and pathetic than i already am the reasons i will list below :unsure:

1.When we asked what he wanted me and his dad buy for the baby his reply nothing only for you to come see it when its born i started crying as he knows there is no way i can travel the 25 miles to hospital

2.The above played on my mind for weeks on sunday when he came over i lost it called him every selfish fucker under the sun then started bawling like a numpty again then with guilt got out my credit card and ordered loads new things for baby

3.He then said its ok mum don't worry we will take the baby to see you as soon as they can ,now heres my other huge problem i am so so shaky dizzy detached etc there is no way i'm going to be able to even hold it for fear of dropping it believe me im not exaggerating here i could not even hold my puppy let alone a precious baby

4. Then there are some people saying oh once babys here you will be cured yea right ffs if it was that easy why to hell did me getting kian not enable my usless fat arse to get outside

5. I just feel yet again i am here letting everyone in my family down please believe me when i say i would cut of a limb if it enabled me to be able to do normal everyday things again and help my family more

6. To add insult to injury i even lied said our car was broken as atm my panics are so so severe being left alone i cannot handle for fear and terror so now Danielle our youngest said im a nutter that needs to be in an asylum sad thing is she is prob right as this is no way to be a wife or a mother is it

Sorry to sound so negative again here but the way i have been feeling of late i swear i never and still do not believe my body can take anymore stress and i even said to my son please take new baby up to cemetary to show me if i am dead why to fuck can i not stop all this me me me all i want is to be free from this terror guilt etc

Ok will shut my gob now and will let you all know when im a nana not in loopie way but maternal one :) oh fuk it i will just have to leave kian the puppy to babysithttp://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/funnybaby.jpg

love dino
xxxxxx

FLORENCE
10-29-2008, 11:46 AM
:( :(

Dino ,,,,,,,,first off HUGS ,,, to you my friend,,,

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/Backgrounds/Baby/baby_11.gif ('http://www.freecommenttags.com')
I want to tell You ,, that you are in no way a selfish cow,,,,,I also want to say that I am sorry if I said it will help in your getting better ,,, I know that I was one to say that ,, but not until you get to have the help from NHS,,then it will all fall into place.. OK???
Now ....1, I am sure your son knows that you cannot make that trip,,I am sure he is meaning that ,,It would be what he would want is for u to be better enough ,,which u will one day ,,He means well for u ,, so I see no selfishness there ..
2, It is what we do when we cannot do the things we really think we should be able to do,,, Overcompensate,,, Bless you,, it was nice you bought the baby things ,, If that is what u can do ,,, for now it is ok,,, that was no selfishness there,,ok?? :huh:
OK I think that is enough ,,,I could go down and all 6 find a reason why u r not a selfish woman,,, All you want is what any Mother of a Son about to be Father would want,,,, You are a wonderful woman ,,, I see it and so do many others,, it is not your fault that things have gone this way for you or any one of us ,, Believe me I did my share of crying when I couldn't do things too ,,I still do,, now that is selfish..
What I am saying is it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way about the things that u cannot do right now,there are things we have no control over ,,
When your Help does get there ,,,, and things start to get sorted,, it will look different to you than right now ,,,,,SO ,,,no sorries from u ,, there should be sorries from your Health System to u ,,,, :angry: :angry:
But my friend,,,,, NO WAY !! in hell are you a selfish woman ,, or any other bad thing u call yourself,,
Lov Ya My Friend ,,, BNIAFW..... ;)
FLORENCE xxxxxx

Anna
10-29-2008, 07:35 PM
http://i281.photobucket.com/albums/kk213/benzezuza/friend.gif

Bless your heart Dino !!!!!!!!!!!!

I can tell you........ You are one of the least selfish people I ever come across so you stop feeling that way cos its all Balls!!!!!!

Now I have told you what I was like when Mia was born and I had to look afer her when she was only a few weeks old I absolutely crapped it.

It was a long time ago when I was last left was a wee baby but I promise you the first time you hold the baby or look after Him/She yes you may feel great anxiety but I can honestly say the love that you will feel inside for that lil bairn will wave over you and you will be fine its in our instints as mothers I think .

Love ya Dino remember you are a kind loving mother and you never asked to have this crappy anxiety and believe it or not your family wouldn't swap you for the World.

Anna
xxxx

margo
10-30-2008, 04:47 AM
Dino

I was thinking about you last week as I knew that it was around about now that the baby was due :).

You know yourself that you don't want to say the things that you are saying to your family but it is borne out of frustration, frustration at the situation you are in and that you feel there is no way of getting out of. I was the same in the summer. I put my family through hell in the month of July and said some terrible things but I think they have forgiven me :) They know that I don't actually mean it, that it is all part and parcel of the anger, frustration, anxiety and so on.

Dino, I wish I was able to offer you advice but I don't have any answers for you. However, let your son and partner bring the baby to your house and I am sure that you will be able to give it a cuddle. Just stay seated and have someone sit beside you so that they can take the baby from you as soon you feel you need to hand her/him over. You won't drop the baby - I promise you. :)

Best wishes Dino

Margo x

thelostone8206
10-30-2008, 06:08 PM
((((((((((dino))))))))))

i agree with everyone else here. and i just want to add that my grandson was born shortly after I started having problems. I held him first on the couch with my daughter right beside me, just in case, but as i held him and looked down in those little eyes i felt a peace that i have not found any other way to achieve. he is 2 now and he still brings on that peace, unfortunatly she has moved out with her new boyfriend so i don't even have that to look forward to.

you are loved. your kids DO understand, they just wish what we all do, that there was some help for you to get better.

love and hugs
lost

dino
10-31-2008, 09:49 AM
Hiya flo, Margo,Anna, and thelostone

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for you kind caring replies as always i will update when baby arrives let you all know how it goes :)

love dino
xxxxx

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/th051.gif


Ps : great to see you back thelostone i was getting worried about you and was about to post had anyone seen you about hope your doing ok

thelostone8206
11-02-2008, 08:36 AM
i am surviving, just. i haven't been around alot lately, between my problems and internet problems, but good to be back too.

SO any news yet?

lost

jenanne
11-03-2008, 01:05 PM
Granny Dino Lass

You will do great hunni and you are far from selfish.

Love ya
Jenx

pokerstar
11-11-2008, 06:25 PM
Dino your one of the most giving and selfless people I have ever come across, please remember you always do whatever you can to help and more with everybody, please after reading your post, I feel you are giving yourself the hardest time as others around you understand, and don't bear grudge against yourself as the ones that love you don't

congratulations on the new member of the family, wish you and your family all the best. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are an amazing lady

Take care rob x

jools
11-16-2008, 06:37 PM
hi dino,ive only just read your post.if only you could see what everyone else sees in you,that you are a very special person,i wish you could believe that,as we all do.it seems to me,that your son mentioned you going to visit them,out of love for you,in that he would love you to be well again...he wants for you to be free.i say this dino,as my man often says,or asks things of me,which he knows i am unable to do,and when i ask him why he does this,this is the reply he gives to me(he is forever optomistic).as for your daughter( i did read that as danielle and not daniel.....my apologies if ive got that wrong),i believe her outburst was also out of love,in that she feels frustrated that she cant make it better for you,as you will understand,its so hard to see someone you love suffering,especially when you feel unable to help.as for you dino,NEVER let it be said that you are selfish.if you were dino,you would not beat yourself up for the limits you have on your life.(and it is these limits and fears that get in your way,not selfishness).....its because you care so deeply,that you feel so angry at yourself.you need to see what is fabulous about yourself dino,instead of only seeing the bad(what you perceive to be bad),i guarantee others will see you in a totally different way to how you see yourself.unless you have been through something,it is almost impossible to understand,even if we can empathise.i have a multitude of fears,but i cant for example understand ,say,a fear of mice,or understand how it feels to have divorced parents.your kids know you,they know what you suffer,and they obviously care a great deal,but a small part of them will not fully get what you have to go through.i know that you know all of this already dino,but i,like them,hate to see you suffer in this way.oh and i nearly forgot to say congratulations grannie.

dino
11-17-2008, 08:54 AM
http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/000_thanyyou.gifeveryone you are in my eyes all very very special people i am privalaged to know


PS;jools no apology needed daniel danielle i call her damien :lol: :lol:

Today my doctor has now suggested i double my new meds the shrink that came to see me gave so fingers crossed this ones do something to help me if not it will be the effing asylum for real :o

Loads of thanks and huge hugs to each and everyone of you again :)

love dino
xxxxxx

thelostone8206
11-17-2008, 09:56 AM
fingers and toes crossed. something will work, hopefully this one, at least get you to the point where you can be comfortable in your own home.

lost

watsonnichola
11-18-2008, 01:54 PM
dino u are so far from a selfish person hun , when im in need ur there wiv a happy reply back 2 me hun, 2 think u r going through the same as me makes me strong as ever as u always come across happy an proud like the woman u r u make me smile an ur sooo caring mate, 2 say the least, i'd never ever thought u would be a person who was going through so many stresses as u have always brightened me up wen i come on here, an u r the 1st person i ask about wen i come on, so thats telling me u have a place in my heart lol, not being corny in all pmsl, u will b a grt nan as u r a mother pple know wat u r goin through an they know u can only do ur best at certain stages in life but u r so strong 2 b going through the daily obsticles in ur life u r a inspiration 2 me take care hun, hope 2 catch u soon xxx

dino
11-22-2008, 10:38 AM
Hiya Nichola

What a lovely surprsise to see your name back on here how to hell are you doing i have missed you my friend i hope you are well :)

Also thank you for your kind words to me hope to catch up with you soon in chat would write more but im here as dizzy as fuk just phoned pharmacist to be told to expect to get worse as it is new meds ffs i swear there all trying to kill me off :lol:

Have been here in bed last two days petrified again with this severe panic etc and lump feelings still in throat making me worse i need a vet :lol:

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/Lucid_Atray1.gif

Thank you lost for always being so caring to hope you are well :)

love dino
xxxxxxx
http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/MagicalCreddyHugs1.gifto you both x