View Full Version : coitophobia is ruining my life
04-13-2008, 07:46 AM
I was on a date with a great guy last night, we had dinner at his and a dvd (it was out 3rd date). then when he wanted to get close to me, the same old thing ruined everything, something i believe called Coitophobia. I'm scared of having sex
I dont even know wheter i should consider myslef as a virgin. in a way, definitely. I'm 22 and I've spent a lot of time in my teenage years wondering what was wrong with me. I've been to parties with guys who were keen but i just always though i didnt like the idea of one nite stands and that i was still too young, not ready. however now i believe there's something more to it. I even thought i was gay. I was with a girl, we were together for a year and we did have sex. I wasnt scared, it felt right, that made me believe that i really was gay. but after a year things stopped feeling rite, i guess i grew up and realised that i WANST gay. and now i tryly believe that i'm not. I'm really interested in guys and now i got to the point where i really want to find one, the one that i will feel secure with. i wanna settle down. but again this damn phobia doesnt let me do it.
Last night, he was great, gentle. We kinda started something and then when he moved down to take off my trousers i said no, thank god he accepted that. I dont know why i said no, i kinda wanted it. I just want to have my first time done and over with, to see what's it like and to hopefully find out there is nothing to be scared of. But i have never had a guy inside me and I'm so damn scared of it. I cant focus, i have a rush of thoughts in my head, i cant possibly relax. Sometimes i think that maybe something happened to me when i was little, thats why i'm so scared of guys now, but i cant remember anything. maybe it's something unconscious. i really wanna get married one day, have a healthy relationship, also a sexual one, but how am i supposed to do it???
Does anyone have an idea what i'm talking about? did anyone have similar experiences? does anyone know how to overcome this damn thing?
please let me know if you do
Firstly can i say a huge welcome to the forum ,secondly i have to admit reading your post coitophobia was a new one on me i did however find some info below which i hope can help you a little :)
Symptoms of coitophobia:
Your fear of coitus can result in the following symptoms:
breathlessness, dizziness, dry mouth, excessive sweating, nausea, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack.
You are not the only one to suffer from coitophobia. Most sufferers are surprised to learn that they are far from alone in this surprisingly common, although often unspoken, phobia.
Coitophobia is an intense fear of something that poses little or no actual danger. While adults with coitophobia realize that these fears are irrational, they often find that facing, or even thinking about facing, the feared situation brings on a panic attack or severe anxiety.
There is a Way Out
Imagine what your life will be like when you know that you are not "defective". When you can be confident and at ease in situations where you used to feel your coitophobia. And when you can talk about your former coitophobia symptoms as though you are describing a movie where the character is someone else, not you.
An Amazing Discovery
Several years ago, a psychologist specializing in phobias like coitophobia, made an amazing discovery.
He kept up-to-date with all the leading therapies. And he tried them all. And no matter what therapy modality he tried, the cure rate of phobias like coitophobia was less than 5%. Oh sure, patients made progress. But it was only incremental. And therapy took years, not months.
Let's face it. It's possible that a small percentage of people would be "cured" even if left alone.
Then he made an amazing discovery and his ability to eliminate coitophobia soared to over 80%. He was so successful it nearly put him out of business.
Well, it didn't put him out of business, but it did--at least for awhile--create a financial strain for the first time in his career. You see, he was able to "cure" coitophobia clients often in one session, rarely more than five or six.
This was a radical change from years of therapy. And quite a hit to his income. Now he has raised his rates. And you might be able to get an appointment with him...if you have about $1,000 handy.
That's the "price" of success.
What was the discovery? It was so simple, but nobody thought of looking there before.
Here it is, and it is called The Discovery Statement:
"The cause of all negative emotions
is a disruption in the body's energy system."
Note what he didn't say. He didn't say that it was in your thoughts, habits, beliefs, strategies or any other thing (although they do play a factor). Those are "the branches".
The energy system is "the root". And from this root the field of Energy Psychology was born.
Since this discovery, other innovators have emerged in Energy Psychology. And they offer solutions to emotional issues such as coitophobia.
A really nice feature of Energy Psychology is that in many cases self-help is sufficient. In cases where a therapist is desired or needed, Coitophobia Live Help can be provided over the phone. And since not much talking is involved, the sessions are quick and affordable.
Does It Work for Everyone?
In a word, no it doesn't. It's not perfect. It only works about 85% of the time. But that is a radical shift from about 5% rate for some methods.
A reason it may not work is that frankly some people are afraid to give up their coitophobia. Their identity is wrapped up in it. They have had their coitophobia so long that they don't know who they would be without it. Fortunately, the same methods can be used to eliminate this fear first, should it arise.
Finally, some people just love to talk about their coitophobia. That's one reason why some people may spend years in talk therapy. They love to have someone who cares about them listen to their coitophobia problems.
Energy Psychology isn't about talk. It's about results. Fast, effective, lasting results.
A lot of talking about problems keeps people in the "stuck" state and is counterproductive. So people who really want to talk about their coitophobia because they are not really ready to let them go may not achieve optimal results. People like this may be better satisfied with talk therapy, even if it means extensive sessions, much higher expense and a lower success rate. But it is what some people want and seem to need.
Don't get me wrong. Effective Energy Therapists listen really well. And with compassion. It's just that their focus is on the "root", not the "branches". You may feel like you have truly been heard for the first time in your life.
So Energy Psychology is not perfect. And it's not for everyone, perhaps only 80% or so of the population. Is it for you? Only you can decide. But it is worth a try. With the guarantees offered, the only thing you have to lose is your coitophobia.
Of course, success rates for elimination of coitophobia will be higher with a therapist, Click here for Coitophobia Live Help . But self-help is amazingly effective. Especially with the improved methods and techniques of leading edge developers in Energy Psychology such as Dr. Silva Hartmann. This is why we have links to her ebooks on this site.
Coitophobia does respond really well to energy psychology.
Energy psychology is an emerging method that is rapidly gaining favor because in studies it is shown to be rapid, safe, effective and long-lasting.
Coitophobia can severely disrupt normal life, interfering with school, work, or social relationships.
Don't suffer needlessly. more on this is here on this link :) http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/coitophobia.html ('http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/coitophobia.html')
I hope you find this of some help :)
04-14-2008, 08:36 AM
Hi Dino, thanks so much for so much info. I'm wondering, what do they mean by
"The cause of all negative emotions
is a disruption in the body's energy system."
Is there anything I can possibly do about it by myslef???
hi I have issues with sex, was blinding drunk the first few times else I wouldn't have gone through with it. I am now 23 and have been married 5 years almost. It still makes me feel sick at times and wrong, halfway through I sometimes get flashbacks or images and feel like a lost, scared little kid. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I could have been abused and I'd really rather not know who it was (if anyone) but you can overcome it. For some reason I can quite enjoy sex sometimes as long as it isn't loving and after sex I will push my hubbie away cos I feel this hate for him, like I've been used or violated. Yet if the sex has no lovingness to it I am better and it doesnt play on my mind afterwards. I have a wonderful understanding husband who I can trust (except he is not allowed to look at my face during sex!!!! freaks me out in a big big way) and if you meet someone who truly loves you for you and not just to get you into bed you will be fine. Just say you don't want to have sex until you are married and then you will know who is right (and worthy) for you. If you totally love and trust someone I'm sure you can both go to a sexual counsellor and get some advice and if you feel 100% in love with someone I bet you won't be half as nervous. Hope that helps? x
04-15-2008, 07:40 AM
Hi Jade, thank you for sharing. Yes I must admit that having sex with someone whom i have just met makes me so much more nervous than doing it with someone i have known for a longer period of time. At the same time i am scared that even then i would be too scared of the intercourse. I dont know, maybe i just overreacted with everything but after that night with that guy i got so upset, i really started to believe that i would never be able to do it.
I think i am a little bit opposite to you when it comes to the lovingness during or before sex. I feel like i would prefer it to be full on feelings and foreplay and rather than the act itself. at least the first time. Last saturday night it kind of came from nowhere, i mean its not like he went straigt for my pants but its like he had it all programmed, it didnt come from passion or love (duh, we barly even know each other!). It was more like, right we had dinner and dvd now its time for sex. Well i dunno, i'm just driving myslef crazy the more i think of it.
:) hey you had a lucky escape then! It's a blessing really he sounds a creep
04-22-2008, 03:07 PM
anna, just try to take it slow. i think if you're with this great guy, you should want to do it eventually. try not to worry about it. i think he really cares about you, and if he does, he'll wait until you're ready.
11-12-2009, 03:14 PM
Phobias, fears and anxiety have nothing to do with 'disruptions in the body's energy system', im sorry but this is new age twaddle! I mean no disrespect to those that think this way, but it's simply not true! Phobias etc are a neurological association in the mind, nothing more! How do i know?, i'm a hypnotherapist, and i cure phobias every day near as damn it! None of the techniques i use involve anything to do with some bodily energy, it's just carefully structured imagination that recodes the old association.
I'll take a guess and say that even if you imagine sex, you feel anxious? it's your association to sex and it can be undone! i think if you was in a deeper relationship with this guy, you may have relaxed and lovemaking would have been so very natural, dont you think? however it was all a bit mechanical, so give yourself a break, ease off the gas, and take advice from a song i once heard, it went.."dont push it, dont force it, let it happen naturally, It will surely happen if it was meant to be" (dont ask me who sung it though)
The more you fret about it the worse it will be so get on with your life and if you find a nice guy and you feel all those deep feelings, you'll feel its natural but only when the time is right and boy will you know! I normally tell people to ban sex for as long as you can stand it, that'll keen your mind nicely!!
So in the meantime allow your imagination to run wild with some sexy senarios that are on YOUR terms, you are the producer of these movies so adjust the movie to suit! As we say in hypnotherapy, the mind cannot tell the difference between strong imagination and the real thing! so rehurse how youd like to behave while lovemaking and ths will train your mind to make a new more positive association!
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