View Full Version : My update

10-26-2007, 09:18 PM
Hello guys.

Some of you might know me from the chat. For those that don't, read my post called "my blog" in another section of this forum - it contains my full story.

Anyway... After more pointless, and harmful "experiments" from my psychiatrist, I had to put my foot down and stop visiting him. I was sick and tired of this crap. I say.. Let those who benefit from antidepressants, SSRI's, benzos, etc take them.

As for me, they do A LOT more harm then good, and I definitely took more than my share by now to prove it over and over again. The last drop for me, was when my doc prescribed an antipsychotic.... The stuff that he was giving me before was already horrible, and useless enough, but this.. This just did it for me. Enough is enough. Nowhere on the net or anywhere else does it say that antipsychotic meds can do anything good for people who suffer from GAD, IBS and Agoraphobia. I refuse to continue these sick experiments.

I also visited my physician recently, (for a different problem), but he didn't hesitate to mention my agoraphobia, and remind me, that unless I take the meds I'm pretty much done for, as meds are my only way out. I thanked him for "caring", and then I told him to take a hike (in a very polite manner) and went on my way.

And so... I was on my own again... I thought I either will force myself outside little by little, or I'll have to go back to the doc and let him continue killing me. I chose the 1st option.

I started waking up every day at 7am, and going for a walk... I figured the fresh air and "exercise" will ease my headaches and maybe if I do it often enough I can slowly get used to being outside by myself. At 1st it was hard, but I used the streets that have the least amount of cars/people passing by. I am lucky in that I have a beach and a boardwalk about 15 min walk from my house, but I'm sure anyone can find someplace to go for a walk.

At 7am there is very few people out and just a few joggers and cyclists - perfect for me. I just kept doing it as often as I possibly could, and I ended up doing it about 4-5 days a week on average. I keep doing it even now... Every day I tried walking further and further... One day I found some metal benches and push up/pull up bars next to the boardwalk. I now use them regularly.
Whatever the weather... Rain, wind, fog, heat.... I get up and go. I keep telling myself: "It's either this, or the meds!"

I started forcing myself to stores and a supermarket that is next to me. The supermarket is the hardest. Standing in line with no way out until I actually pay for the groceries is terrible. I'm getting really bad PAs and dizzy spells standing in line, but I try to use the fast "10 item express checkout" whenever I can. The smaller stores are easier for me, probably because there are less people there and the lines are smaller. I also went to the post office and was able to stand through the whole line and send the package to my friend. (off course by the end of the line I felt like I was going to die but that's another story for another time lol)
When I left the post office, I felt so damn good and proud that I was completely calm on the way back home. The PA just... Disappeared !!! Only when I was coming up to my house I started thinking about "how is it that I'm not panicky right now?" and that's when I felt the PA coming again.

Anyhow.... That is how I live right now... I try to go to sleep every day at the same time and wake up at the same time. I force my self out to either go for a walk or to a store whenever I can. If I have a PA, I try not to focus on my "defeat" this day and look forward to a "victory" on the next.
I think that people who advise others to "float" through a Panic Attack and NOT run from it, are liars or they just never experienced a REAL Panic Attack. I cant continue doing what I'm doing when I have a PA because if I do, I will die. I am convinced of this, and no one can convince me otherwise because my PAs are very very bad.
So instead of "braving" the PAs, I run from them just like I always did, but because I keep exposing myself to them every day, I am conditioning myself to adapt to them and thereby lessening their power. A long time ago, I read in some book, that when people wanted to develop immunity to a certain poison they would take it in very small quantities over time... I guess I'm applying the same tactic. Maybe it will work?

Today I had my 1st substantial success. I was able to ride the train to my friend's place and then the bus back to my house. If someone told me I could do this only 3 months ago, I'd call them crazy!

Off course all these successes I'm having are not a bid deal - if I could go back to college, or get a job and be able to function at that environment without getting a PA, that would be a big success, but I am hoping that I'm on my way there with all this stuff I'm doing.

I also want to add that I am lucky, because my parents allow me to not work and sit home at 25. Not everyone has that luxury and this is why many people take meds - they need FAST results, or their marriage will fall apart, they wont be able to pay their mortgage or something else along those lines.

In my defense, I'll say that if my parents wouldn't allow me to have this "time off" I'd probably be dead by now, since nothing else really worked for me and they could clearly see that as I was just getting worse and worse. I tried forcing myself to college or work and that didn't go well at all. (to say the least)

Be it as it may, now when you heard my "update" let's hear yours! (if you want to share off course)
How are you doing? Any successes?

Opinions? Criticism? Flame? Go ahead, it's ok!

10-27-2007, 01:51 AM
Im glad to hear off your sucess, I know from my own experiences once I get pigheaded enough to push through I do start going out again. I think you misunder-stand the floating thing with a pa. The way it was explained to me was you float or wait it out some before you head for the hills. If a pa hits instead if immeadiatly running home walk first, then if you need to run. next time it hits force yourself to walk a little further before running. A firend of mine made a good point (yet it has to sink in) weather you have a pa at home or the store what is the diference. At the store people might notice but if they do most of the time the want to help. The ones who say something 99% of the time have issues themselves. Also if an ambulance is needed they will usually make it to a store faster then your home. (he is an ex emt)

10-27-2007, 04:40 AM
Hi Ibex,

Just wanted to say it's lovely to hear of your success! I think you're doing such an amazing job.

Keep it up and keep us updated.

Take care

Meg xxx

10-27-2007, 09:16 AM
Dear ibex
First can i say thank you so so much for sharing your achievements ,just reading your story gives people like me some hope :)

Like yourself ibex i have been given just about every med in the book ,all they have ever done is made my symptoms worse but when we are desperate for that miracle cure in the beginning i think i stupidly would have taken rat poison if i thought i would get some release from this hell :(
Like you i also was told by a shrink a few years ago heres a anti pychotic , i argued said but im not phychotic to be told but this one will definately ease your panic agro etc stupidly i swallowed them ,two days later i was seeing 3 of everything ffs to say i was petrified is an understatment ,my own gp then went apeshit said i should never ever have been given them :angry:

Ibex i hope you do not mind me asking you a few questions and how i can maybe overcome this paralysing fears etc

1, Were you lightheaded so badly you could barely walk this is stopping me functioning ?

2.Exausted but i know a lot of this is caused by doing nothing day in day out due to my lighthedness ?

3. When trying to go only a few steps were you like i do freezing with the panic ?

4. Shaking inside and out and feeling detached ?

omg sorry i will shut up now lol i am just desperate here to get some kind of life back

Lastly quote :Off course all these successes I'm having are not a bid deal - if I could go back to college, or get a job and be able to function at that environment without getting a PA, that would be a big success, but I am hoping that I'm on my way there with all this stuff I'm doing.

Ibex to you what you are doing may not seem like a big deal but the way things are going you will reach that goals in the near future ,i thank you once again for sharing your success with us and i wish you continued progress in everything you do
love Dino

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/Hugs/_Sending20You20Hugs_beeflowerTGZ.jpg ('http://www.freecommenttags.com')

10-27-2007, 04:36 PM
Hiya ibex

I just wanted to say to its so great to hear how well you are dealing with your agoraphobia and panic keep it up and please pop back and let us all know how you are going.

Lots of love



10-27-2007, 05:10 PM
Ibex i hope you do not mind me asking you a few questions and how i can maybe overcome this paralysing fears etc

1, Were you lightheaded so badly you could barely walk this is stopping me functioning ?

2.Exausted but i know a lot of this is caused by doing nothing day in day out due to my lighthedness ?

3. When trying to go only a few steps were you like i do freezing with the panic ?

4. Shaking inside and out and feeling detached ?

1)Yes, and many other horrible symptoms that I will not list here as you are scared enough already.

2)Yes, but you gotta get up and do something ANYWAY. It is true that forcing yourself when you have PA/anxiety/Agoraphobia is NOT a good idea. But there's all kinds of forcing. It's not like you are forcing yourself to go to a busy store right away. You are forcing yourself to at least do something small like get up, walk out and stand next to your door outside... or walk one block away and come back. Too much effort, that is too sudden, is no good, but some effort is off course needed.

3)Yes, there was a time when that happened but it doesnt happen anymore as long as I do things within my limits. I can see myself "freezing with panic" if I had to attend a meeting with lots of people right now, or attend a gathering of some sort. This part I still have to work on. ;)

4)Yep. Been there done that, and more. Multiply that 100times, and that is what I had and still have sometimes. Feeling detached? lol That's the least of it! I had sensations/feeling like my own conscience is splitting in two. Like my body is just a zombie, and my "soul/mind" is somewhere far away lost in the abyss... Okie.. I'm going to stop right here cause I don't want to scare anyone into more panic. Just sharing so that you know you're not the only one and I know how you're feeling.

10-28-2007, 08:02 AM
Dear ibex
Thank you so much for replying to me ,i have many many more symptoms and live in fear everyday that this is about to kill me ,it is getting to the stage just getting out of bed to face another day of this panic ,terror etc is an achievment on its own :(

Now i just need to try and pluck up the courage to be like you and start facing my fears but the for me this stupid panic etc beats me hands down everytime :(

Anything you write back cannot make me feel worse than i do at this moment i think i have symptoms unknown to mankind lol :D yes i have battled this over 12 years but never ever have i felt this ill in my entire life atm im at only existing not living ,sorry if i sound like a complete nutcase :rolleyes:

Any tips ibex would be gratefully recieved ,thank you again :) http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/Blank1.gif
love Dino

10-28-2007, 05:05 PM
Hi Ibex

i really wana say you are doing great on yer agrophobia.

I think it's fantastic moving tho step's out, i came to this thread last night.

thought for a bit and got my butt out fer awalk, dizzy, pa shacky all.

i figuerd why not i have been this road before on house bound, and i wana say thankyou for shareing gives other hope, even if it is the small step's it's better
then no step's, again all the best to you'r achievment .

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/Thank%20You/blueRseSparkleTY.gif ('http://www.freecommenttags.com')

Dino i think it's just being sick and tierd of being sick and tierd, pig head is it JRM

Thxs again Ibet


10-28-2007, 07:10 PM
Hiya Gang!!!!

I just wanted post in here and say how very happy I am for you cheer getting out of the house for a walk.

I think this is just some of the happy times in this community when a kind soul like your self Ibex coming in and giving us hope upon hope that we can fight this horrible phobia.

With you taking out the time ibex to post here and tell us how you are dealing with your agoraphobia giving us all in here gave our cheer the boost she needed to get out for a walk.

I Now need to follow you cheer and try it myself hehe !!!!!

You did great cheer I'm soooooooooooo happy for you I know how you struggle bless your heart



10-28-2007, 09:09 PM

Thankyou my friend ,i posted under acomplishment. ibet Thxs sooooo much

again Anna yas are one in a millon, and to each person on this site, i can't say thankyou enough, i did it again :D

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/Thank%20You/TY_PUPPYSWINGANIM-vi.gif ('http://www.freecommenttags.com') i really do thkyou ibet.
Anna again yer one http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/Angels/xan.gif ('http://www.freecommenttags.com'). THANK YOU ibet gives sooo many hope :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


lvs cheer

10-29-2007, 05:57 AM
:) well done Ibex, I don't even know you yet I am almost crying for you I am so proud! Thankfully one anti-dep does work for me and it is helping me immensely :) sorry they didn't work for you though <_< what you are doing is so strong, you are one heck of a strong woman (or man lol) Without my meds I am a total mess, agoraphobic yet panicking in ma own house too. I don't think I'd ever be able to do what you are doing without meds, as my panic attacks are strong too and all I can do is either run from them by walking very fast but then as soon as I stop walking they come back and I am just paralysed and can only go to bed whilst I lie there and shake, and at times even vomit because I am in such a state :( So I want to say a huge WELL DONE!!! You are giving alot of hope to others :)

10-30-2007, 09:57 PM
Hello and thank you for your replies.

Another thing I want to mention is that aside from dealing with agoraphobia I also have to deal with my terrible headaches that come quite often. The reason why I say this is not to make myself look stronger or whatever... I am saying this to show you that if I can do it while having very serious issues ASIDE from my Agoraphobia that actually make it much WORSE, you can do it too! Off course I'm not saying it will be easier for you because you don't have headaches, but just imagine how hard it is for me, and maybe this will give you the strength to change something in your life.

I am going to repeat myself by giving you these tips or "points"... Whatever you want to call them:

1)Choose one of your "better" days to go for a walk. Don't try it when you are "really" messed up. (Don't say you always feel like crap. I do too, but we have the "really" bad days and just "bad" days. so choose a bad one! ;) )

2)Don't wait too long. By telling yourself - "Today is more or less ok, but maybe tomorrow I'll feel more "ready" do do this" you are just prolonging your anguish. There is no reason to leave for tomorrow what can be done today. Think about your life fleeting away day by day. This will give you the strength to try and do something!

3)Start small, aim small.
No one is asking you to set records! Start by simply standing near your house. Dont go anywhere! just look at people passing by. Once you start feeling anxious try to fight it for a bit but if you notice the anxiety just building up go back in and try again tomorrow! The important thing is TRY AGAIN WHEN YOU FAIL. Not quit because you failed.

4)Stop watching the news, stop checking the weather forecast. I used to do it all the time and it really DOES contribute to your mental state.
Don't watch the TV late, and don't use the computer late. There must be at least an hour of "NO PC/NO TV" before you go to bed. This is very important and it must be done. I am breaking this rule constantly, but I am trying to fight my bad habit and change.

5)When you get the thought about self analyzing you must do anything you can to SWITCH your mind to something else. Take it from a person who done all the self analyzing one can do... I done so much of it, I almost brought myself to the brink of insanity. The ultimate truth of it all is... THERE IS NO "ONE" TRUTH. THERE IS NO "ONE" REALITY. Life is a flux, and so is existence. Unfortunately your current mental state is simply not enough to comprehend things like "the meaning of life", "what is real?", or "Is there god?". Since you are incapable of finding answers to these questions, focus on what you are capable of, (like taking a walk ;) ) and then you will think less about the above topics.... One day, you will change hopefully... Maybe you'll even start meditating, and then you may attempt to solve all your questions with your "stronger" mind. I know this sounds like a bunch of new age crap, but it's true. You can keep wasting your mental energy searching for the truth, but you wont find it! Heck, maybe there is even no truth to be found! :P

6)Get yourself a good book to read on the topic. Maybe it will inspire you.
Some suggestions are "Panic Attacks Workbook" by David Carbonell and "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne. These are actually two of the most recommended and praised book from what I've seen. I am reading them now.

7)Hope.. For hope is the last thing to die... And remember the engraving on a ring one old king had. It goes something like: "Everything passes... And this will come to pass"