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^tank^
10-18-2007, 11:45 PM
I have read a few other threads and feel comforted in the knowledge im not alone and being able to write this is a big weight off of my mind believe me. So i thank the creator of this forum and those of you who take the time to read and give advise. I'm not sure how to start so i apolligise in advance if im abit random in places.

I have always had a social phobia this came to light when i was around six ive never really been much of a socializer and found it very difficult to approach people so i was quite shy. through out middle school and high school i was bullied for awhile but that passed, my self confidence started to get alot stronger and all anxiety's got pushed deep into the back of my mind. After i finished high school i went to collage to study art and design which i passed with distinctions, I believe its during this time my troubles began. I started experimenting with soft drugs mainly cannabis boy was that a bad idea :( its seemed like the norm and i was around a close group of friends who were also doing it, there was no pair pressure it just seemed fun at the time and as the saying goes curiosity killed the cat.

To begin with it was only once or twice a month socially with the close group of friends i met through high school. I couldn't find a job with the qualifications i got from collage so i basically started taking
any full time jobs that came my way the stress of this started to bring back my anxiety's so i started smoking cannabis at the weekends to unwind and of course i started to lose jobs and spiraled into what i could only describe as a haze of madness so i associated cannabis with a way of escaping from my worries. So now i was smoking two, three times a week by myself and barely talking to anyone. Eventually
i went out again and this is how i met my girlfriend of six years who has had schizophrenia from the age of 14. Sadly she had a far greater taste for cannabis and yes you guessed it we spent almost every waking hour of the day smashed out of our skulls for the best part of about two years, we had know idea just how much harm we were doing to our minds it became a way of life im ashamed to say :o. The paranoia got greater and greater to the point where i wouldn't go outside alone or even go out at night so people came to us if they wanted to see us. I believe i was experiencing psychosis this is when i stopped completely i knew something was wrong i pleaded with my girlfriend to stop with me but she wouldn't have none of it who ever thinks cannabis isn't addictive should of met us back in the day :(. I tried
getting myself back into work a few times but the paranoia got the better of me i was sick of the fear i would feel before leaving the house i guess its abit like your first day at school only a thousand times greater emotionally taxing to the point where i was in tears before i went through the front door but still i would push myself to go to the enevertable happened i broke down at work and walked out. My mum and stepdad new there was something seriously wrong because of my irrational behavior around people and public places. At this point i went to my GP with my mum and girlfriend talked through everything and the out come was antidepressants and a
mental health support worker. I would get home visits from this mental health support worker for awhile but not for long as she put it quote" I'm afraid there isn't much more i can do for you if you feel like there is anything else i can help you with please don't hesitate to contact me" lol what did she do nothing as far as im concerned.

I didn't think things could get any worser oh but they did my so called close group of friends started to put me down twist the knife in saying i was faking being agoraphobic i was just being lazy and didn't want to work that still hurts to this day :angry:. I quickly found myself friendless more or less due to pushing them away or them being spiteful.

Again i forced myself back to college to do a construction course and brush up on my maths, English, computer skills It was very hard to leave the house i felt like i was going to faint every step i took. For months i kept this up but the fear caught up with me again and i messed it all up i mentally and physically cant cope in peoples company or in public places i feel like im going to die :( and that was about 3/4 years ago i don't smoke cannabis neither does my girlfriend anymore i am very anti drugs now,its been years for both of us thank god since we smoked that crap. We both still like a drink now and again she works and i keep myself busy with my pets and keeping fit at home. I'm currently in my fifth week of taking Prozac some days our better than others ive proberly been outside my home twenty times in the past two years that sounds terrible i know and irrational im ashamed that i don't work and claim benefits to survive i hate it i really hate it i would love to work from home but in this day and age that line of work just doesn't exist anymore. My family and partner our very supportive and i can honestly say if it wasn't for them i would of ended myself along time ago i hate living like this the last three weeks have been tough suicidal thoughts our an understatement but i could never do that to my loved ones well thank you for reading :wacko:.

10-19-2007, 07:39 AM
^Tank^


I got no advise, being Agro my self i guess i am trying to figure it out.
I know i tryed Pot 2 times as a teen and it made me coo coo :blink: and paniced worst.
depression i understand as well, i say it as this it's a fish in a bowl
and how can't 1 not be depressed wene you feel traped and want out.
ill bb on this post just tierd HANG IN.http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/Hugs/_Sending20You20Hugs_beeflowerTGZ.jpg ('http://www.freecommenttags.com')





http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/hearts/heart_54.gif ('http://www.freecommenttags.com') cheer

dino
10-19-2007, 12:25 PM
Dear tank
Reading parts of your story i can so so relate to the feeling lazy etc ,i have severe agoraphobia ,anxiety and panic and i am ashamed to say i have become totally housebound again for the best part of the last 5 months ,i try but even indoors my lightheadedness etc is debilitating to say the least :(

I myself personally never took any illegal drugs the prescription ones made me feel even worse than i already did lol ,a huge hug has to go to you for coming of the cannabis ( i saw 1st hand wht cannabis etc did to my younger brother) :(

Sorry i seem to be going on about myself here thats not my intention ,i just want you to know that you are not alone with your symptoms , i struggle everyday just to get out of bed somedays i am ashamed to say i dont even get up ,the depression i have as well as the thought of what to hell am i doing living this hell day in day out ,like you tank friends i once had on the outside world no longer understand my illness ,i was so sick of being told by them get a grip or its only a panic attack :angry:

Here tank no one judges i hope to maybe meet you one night in chat ,hang in there as i said your not alone we are all here for you ,wishing you all the best
love Dino
xxxxxxx
http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p251/dino_042/teddybearsblueglobe1.gif

^tank^
10-19-2007, 07:10 PM
Thank you both for the replys :).

jade
10-20-2007, 05:28 AM
:( poor you! i suffer with bouts of agoraphobia and would be completely housebound if it werent for my anti-deps keeping me going. I know full well how you are feeling as I used to take alot of drugs aged 15-18, ecstasy being my fave and I took ridiculous amounts, sometimes up to 5 strong pills a night :( I also ate lots of cannabis and drank amounts that could have killed me- cocktail after cocktail of drink and drugs. I gave all that up aged 18 (now 23) and thought id be fine but just before my 19th birthday I had my first panic attack, we called an ambulance out and after some tests they said it was a panic attack and that was the start of my hell. I researched into the effects of drugs and yes, they do indeed cause mental problems. how I wish I knew that then, I wish I knew just how bad a panic attack was and I swear id have never touched drugs. One of our friends smoked cannabis every day and she has just been diagnosed as schizophrenic so she too learned the hard way. The thing is, that you have to keep telling yourself is that you were young and stupid and experimented. Dont beat yourself up for it. It is in the past, what you have to do now is live with your condition the best you can, try and think positively about everything and along with your medication you will slowly begin to get stronger. Avoid caffeine and if you can. take up regular excercise as it will release endorphins- feel good chemicals your body makes. These things really do help me and yes, I do still struggle at times and get depressed and anxious but nowhere near as bad as i was. I wish you all the best ;)

^tank^
10-20-2007, 06:50 AM
:( poor you! i suffer with bouts of agoraphobia and would be completely housebound if it werent for my anti-deps keeping me going. I know full well how you are feeling as I used to take alot of drugs aged 15-18, ecstasy being my fave and I took ridiculous amounts, sometimes up to 5 strong pills a night :( I also ate lots of cannabis and drank amounts that could have killed me- cocktail after cocktail of drink and drugs. I gave all that up aged 18 (now 23) and thought id be fine but just before my 19th birthday I had my first panic attack, we called an ambulance out and after some tests they said it was a panic attack and that was the start of my hell. I researched into the effects of drugs and yes, they do indeed cause mental problems. how I wish I knew that then, I wish I knew just how bad a panic attack was and I swear id have never touched drugs. One of our friends smoked cannabis every day and she has just been diagnosed as schizophrenic so she too learned the hard way.* The thing is, that you have to keep telling yourself is that you were young and stupid and experimented. Dont beat yourself up for it. It is in the past, what you have to do now is live with your condition the best you can, try and think positively about everything and along with your medication you will slowly begin to get stronger. Avoid caffeine and if you can. take up regular excercise as it will release endorphins- feel good chemicals your body makes. These things really do help me and yes, I do still struggle at times and get depressed and anxious but nowhere near as bad as i was.* I wish you all the best ;)


Thank you Jade for your reply with out a doubt we are on the same wave length and i feel more positive for reading this post. I hope to talk to you more on the forum in the near future if you would like thank you once again.

ibex333
10-26-2007, 09:45 PM
Hey Tank.

I'm with ya man.... I know how it feels. Just read my posts on the forum.
As for the friends that turned away from you, that is very familiar to me also. I never smoked weed, but my friends did. I'd probably try it too, but I didnt because by that time I was already f-ed up enough, and I didnt want to make it worse by smoking. When my friends understood that I wont smoke with them, and I wont "chill" - meaning more smoking and drinking, they just all left me except for one. This guy remains a loyal friend despite being an a-hole in the past he really turned out alright. Over time, he just somehow got used to me the way I am and he's cool with it. I guess he didn't turn away from me for a number of reasons.. I don't know why, but according to him it's because I have certain qualities that make people want to seek my advice when they are in trouble... Plus I'm just an interesting person. Go figure, eh? Especially since I dont believe that at all.

Aside from the "friends" thing, my story is very similar to yours, except I never smoked, and I've been having all these problems much longer than you. You're very lucky because you have a girl. I believe it is a very big help. My girl dumped me when she figured that I wont be marrying her and I cannot have a "serious" relationship leading to a family life at this time. Maybe that was for the best as she wasn't "the one" anyway.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me. I hope you get better, and I wish you all the best.

^tank^
11-07-2007, 10:32 AM
Thank you ibex333 :).