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View Full Version : why cant i just be normal



jools
03-09-2006, 06:13 PM
i dont mean any offence by that,its just how i feel about myself.i am such a mess at the moment.firstly i have a hospital appointment on monday,and im terrified.its hard enough just to get into the building.i,ve had a medical related fear since i was little.obviously my boyfriend will come with me.
then on the 18 march is my big night out.it was arranged about 6 weeks ago,and up until now i,ve been really good, and not allowed myself to think about it,so as not allowing myself to focus on fears,otherwise i would,ve worked myself up into a frenzy.but now its little over a week away and the fears are starting to kick in.there are 6 of us going to see rocky horror picture show at the theatre in brighton,and ive wanted to do this since forever.i barely know any of them except for my best mate,and one of them i,ve never even met,so no one apart from kath knows about my problems,i would like to tell them but i am worried that it will ruin things for them,or that they will think i am a weirdo.i do manage to get out with mates from time to time,to clubs and stuff,and im ok,but this is 2 hours from home,and it,ll be the furthest i will have been from home,without a safe person ,in 15 years.i can get here with my boyfriend no problem.if it were say even 40 miles from home i would be ok,but i feel this is just a little too far away.deep down i know that im not going to do it.the really annoying thing is ,is that i know that i am probably underestimating myself,and also that anticipation is always worse than the event.its just that once i get in that car,i have to go all the way and there is no turning back,and if the worst does happen,i have to go through it for many hours,i cant expect anyone to even leave the theatre with me to get some fresh air.ive been trying to rationalize by saying to myself that my safe person is this distance away from me 5 days a week,but the difference is,then i am on home ground,and also if things did get too bad,i could always call him and he would come home.i,ve always had mark there with me and he knows exactly how to deal with me,but kath,even though she knows,has never seen it for herself,and she doesnt fully understand.
the other part is that,its fancy dress,as in basques,stockings etc,its part of the whole experience,and i feel so uncomfortable,as i am overweight and all the others are so slim.they are all nice girls and none of them would be rude enough to make comments,but i know that they will be thinking ,thank god i dont look that awful.its not just that im fat,i am so ugly too,and this really does have a deep effect on me,and they will all be taking cameras,and that is just so humiliating at the best of times.
anyway im sorry for rambling on and on,its just that i havent told anyone how im feeling,and i needed to get it off my chest.i feel so stuck.i know i will hate myself if i dont do this,and i will let everyone else down,it means i will have to lie and make a feeble excuse,like i am ill,then will spend weeks feeling humiliated and useless and angry that i missed out again.like i said,why cant i just be normal.

angie
03-10-2006, 03:02 AM
jools, you have to do this! nobody will judge you. you're going to see the rocky horror show. it's none stop fun for everyone. you'll feel so proud that you did it. it's an experience you'll be glad you had a part in. i know it's a long way from home and i can understand your apprehension. 100%. you have it in you to let yourself have the good time you deserve darlin'. it's hard to stop the build-up worries. it just might be excitement with nerves. please try and go. you'll love it so much and it'll be a notch on your ''i've done that'' list!! i wish i could come with you and show you that you can do it. so what if you want to go out for some fresh air?! do it! nothing but laughs will happen to you. please reconsider and give it a go? if the others are aware you have difficulties, they will probably be great support. blessxxx :)

dino
03-10-2006, 09:37 AM
DEAR JOOLS
PLEASE EXUSE MY WRITING IF THERES LOADS SPELLING MISTAKES ITS COS IM CRYING SO HARD ,JUST READING YOUR LETTER HAS MADE ME FEEL SO SO BAD FOR YOU I KNOW JUST HOW HARD IT IS. TOMMORROW MY AUNT IS GETTING BURIED WE WERE VERY CLOSE AND BECAUSE OF MY STUPID PANIC AND AGORAPHOBIA I CANT EVEN GO TO HER FUNERAL ,AND ALL IM GETTING FROM EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY IS YOU GOT TO GO STOP BEING SO STUPID YOU'LL BE FINE IF ONLY THEY KNEW AND UNDERSTOOD I JUST CANT DO IT ,SHIT THIS IS ALL COMING OUT WRONG IM MEANT TO BE TELLLING YOU THT YOU WILL BE FINE AND HERE I GO AGAIN ME ME BLODDY ME IM SORRY
JOOLS LIKE ME YOU PUT YOURSELF DOWN BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT JUST TALKING TO YOU IN CHAT YOU'RE A SWEET SWEET PERSON AND NEVER EVER FORGET THAT IF YOU GO TO YOUR NIGHT OUT YOU GO IF NOT JOOLS ITS NOT YOUR FAULT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND IT A NIGHTMARE
LOVE DIANE (dino)XXX
http://bestsmileys.com/toliot/12.gifTHTS ME LOL CRAP MYSELF THE WHOLE TIME