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insanejane
02-26-2007, 06:42 AM
Well most people know me in here, but i have never posted uner his topic to say what really brought me to this site... i indeed didnt know when i first came here, and have only in the last year been "diagnosed" with ptsd..some of you know my story others dont, may help some, may trigger others(sorry in advance..)

Ok, i work as a paramedic, a job which can be a little taxing, but on the whole i never really have had a problem with the more gruesome side of it. ..Until a couple of years ago when i got the call i never wanted, a suicide attempt, my best friend... I have known this friend since i was 14, he was older than me and was like the father i never had when i was growing up, i spent all my youth out with him and his nephew, mostly at motorsport (speedway/grasstrack/stock car racing). My life has been so greatly influenced by him i cannot miss a day without thinking about him. he was in St John Ambulance with me, and encouraged me to pursue my career in the ambulance service. I have raced all sorts of motorcycles and mountain bikes and even represented Great Britain for my cycling...all with his encouragement...in fact all of my teenage memories are of being with him.

Anyhow as some of you know i work on my own in a responder car, i arrived alone to find that he had put a stanley knife to his throat/wrists and was already clinically dead. This did not stop me trying everything i could to save him, i even called the helicopter to get him to hospital quicker..needless to say he died...
i was expected to clean up and continue at work, so i did..then broke down and was for several months..

I have nightmares most nights,where I am standing over him with sticky bloody hands, crying.. then wake up soaked in sweat.

I have returned to work full time (apart from my recent bike accident) and i can do my job again, although i still freak when the phone rings, it doesnt give me the flashbacks that it used to. I have a great councellor who i can call upon anytime which helps.

My next step is to go to the cemetry, i couldnt face the funeral (my granddad was buried a few days earlier)...wish me luck!

I hope this story has not upset/offended anyone..
jane x

dino
02-26-2007, 09:30 AM
DEAR JANE
EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY KNEW A PART OF YOUR TOUCHING STORY ,READING IT STILL BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE
I HOPE WHAT I'M ABOUT TO WRITE BACK TO YOU IN NO WAY OFFENDS OR HURTS YOU
FIRST JANE JUST REMEMBER YOU DID ALL YOU COULD IN SUCH DIFFICULT AND HARD C***UMSTANCES
SECONDLY JANE I WANT TO SAY WHAT YOU DO I KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXPERIANCE FROM MY HANDICAPPED SON HAVING TO BE RECUSSITATED ON MANY OCCASIONS WITHOUT SUCH CARING AND COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE SUCH AS YOU IN THIS WORLD IT WOULD BE A MUCH SADDER PLACE
I KNOW GOING TO THE CEMETARY WILL BE VERY HARD FOR YOU BUT I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU AND AM SURE YOU CAN DO IT
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST JANE
LOVE DIANE
XXXXXXXX
https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/dpwells/Animations/Thinking%20of%20You/989344bc8f.gif

beverley
02-26-2007, 09:43 AM
:D
HI INSANE
LET ME SAY "WELL DONE" AS I KNOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO DO THIS POST
KNOWING YOUR STORY I THINK THAT WRITING THIS DOWN FOR OTHERS TO READ MIGHT HELP YOU AS YOU HAVE KEPT IT BOTTLED UP FOR SO LONG
I HOPE THAT YOU DO MANAGE TO GO TO THE CEMETARY AS YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT TO AND IT MIGHT HELP
THINKING OF YOU JANE
TAKE CARE
BEV
XXXXX

-Meg-
02-26-2007, 01:08 PM
Hi Jane,

Firstly, as Bev said, 'Well done' for this post and sharing your story with us - it must have been hard and I think you are so brave! Secondly I'm not very good with words/posting and had to skim over some of your post so please bear with me!

I have had PTSD for about 6 years, but again only 'diagnosed' last year. Before then I had no idea it existed, let alone what it was one of thing things I was suffering from. Also I was/am too afraid to tell anyone how I was feeling. I still hear people saying that it’s all too often over looked.

I was so pleased to hear you have returned to work Jane. What a wonderful job you continue to do, providing support and assistance to all those people who are in need of help. I know that your friend would be ever so proud!

I hope your recent bike accident (I saw pics in forum!) hasn't put you off cycling? I think it's a great thing to do and to remember your friend by.

I think going to the cemetery will be another very brave step to take, and hope you find it helps, even if you find it hard at first. Are you able to take someone with you for support? Maybe your counsellor or a friend.

I hope you find the strength and courage which I am sure you already have. Good luck Jane!

I have come to learn there are lots of people on this forum who are always here to help and support you.

Best Wishes …… Meg xxx

FLORENCE
02-26-2007, 02:50 PM
:) :)


Jane , I don't think you realize what huge steps you are taking in your recovery!!! It takes a brave person to do what you have done so far...Bravo Jane!!!! I also suffer from PTSD , as you know , and know the haunting effect it can have on you...I'm very proud and happy for you, Jane!!! Always move forward, even if you have a few steps back,,,pick yourself up and move ahead!!! Life is too wonderful to loose anymore time ,,,God Bless You, Jane!!! Love your fellow PTSD fighter!!! FLORENCE :rolleyes: :rolleyes:







"Miracles sometimes do occur, but you have to work terribly hard for them"

Eclipse
02-27-2007, 07:37 AM
Hi Jane,

Your story deeply touched me, and I'm very sorry for your loss of your wonderful friend. The work you do is so vital to communtities and bless you for being able to perform that type of work.

I recently joined this site. Aside from the OCD, I have PTSD as well, and I understand the distress it can cause in one's life. Hopefully, as time passes the nightmares will decrease. It's a giant step going back to work and you took it. You deserve a big pat on the back for taking that step forward.

Wishing you peace of mind, sooner than later.

Take gentle care of yourself,
Eclipse

petal
02-27-2007, 01:26 PM
Dear Jane :)

Thank you for telling us your story. I know it must have been hard for you to tell us about the reasons behind your PTSD. Visiting the cemetery is the next step for you.

You do such important work. It's wonderful you've been able to return to work despite your recent bike accident.

Perhaps posting your story will help you to heal? I certainly hope so.

I do hope you are slowly recovering from your bike accident and that you're feeling a bit better every day.

You take care now Jane.

Wishing you all the best
Petal https://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/natur/nature-smiley-013.gif

DP
03-08-2007, 12:57 PM
Hi jane, you will make it to the cemetry just go in your own time.
Having a death in the family recently i couldn't make it to the funeral as i am agoraphobic but i am hoping like you to get to the cemetry with the help of meds to at least pay my respects in that way.
Im sure your friend will be looking down and would never want you to feel this way,remember the good times you did have.
Take care, will be thinking of you.