genoa2
12-20-2006, 02:45 PM
There are times I feel the need to have someone know my story, know who I am and why I act the way I do. No one knows the whole story, just bits and pieces, I am unable to confide in family, so my forum friends, before this life is over, I want to tell you. I know that there are so many people who have more worries than I do and I truly feel for them. I wish that none of us had to be ill or be lonely, or feel there life is worthless and without love or happiness. I try to reach out to all but today I am trying to help only myself.
She
She was never the life of the party, nor did she have many friends. She never felt solid in her life nor her future.
As a child she was raped by her older cousin, but pushed that from her mind as any 7 year old would. She wasn't happy and felt a sense of guilt, but there was no one to tell. She is sure her grandfather witnessed the act and said nor did anything.
As she grew older she thinks that she did what all kids her age did, but she really couldn't remember. Her life was a shadow with little bits coming to her here and there, never enough to say is she was happy or normal or sad.
Her first job was baby sitting, at the age of 11 she started earning her way in the world. Her memory was foggy with the exception of one man, a butcher by trade, a pedophile by life. He would take her home after partying late with his wife and friends. He touched her and fondled her, and delivered sickening wet slobbery kisses. He tried to have his way, hut his weight scared her and she screamed. Again she said nothing, she needed the money and who would believe her?
Somewhere in her teens she began hearing the voices, she accepted them as a part of her life. She said nothing, the fear of being labled crazy was with her always.
She turned 18 and moved out on her own. She was sure she was ready, she wanted the freedom to come and go as she pleased and to do the things she wanted. Then came the lonliness, settling in and dropping her into depths of despair. She was shy you see and had no boyfriend, she had never had a boy friend and could only imagine what that would be like. It was in this darkness she met a man, a year older than she, so attentive. He was her first, he asked for her hand in marriage. She knew she did not love him, not did she want to hurt him.
She said to him, I am too young I am not ready to marry. Not long after, he took a gun, pointed it to his head, and ended his young life. Now for the rest of her life she lives with that guilt. She could have married him, maybe learned to love him, but she was selfish.
She walked into a recruiting office one day, just to look. She walked out a member of the army. Eventually she was sent to Fort Huachuca, AZ and that is where she met a man. He was attentive, funny and said he loved her. She thought that she loved him too. Three days after the wedding, the honeymoon was over and the beatings began. He wanted something from her she could not give, he waited til she slept and took from her, the pleasure was his, the hurt and feeling of betrayel hers. For 7 years she endured the beatings and the abuse. They had a child, a beautiful girl, and when the time came she took the only thing that mattered, her child. He threatened to kill her if she left, she believed him. She found a body guard to escort them.
The next 7 years were spent in a bustle of raising a child, work, various romances and parties. As time went on she became depressed, seeing her life had gone nowhere. She began to blank out events, not remembering driving, or why she ended up where she was. She became very angry, angry to the point it scared her. She sought help, the doc. explained to her it was all her mothers fault. This made her angry indeed, it was not her mother who had raped her or beat her. She quit going to the doc. quit taking her meds.
The depression deepened, her life felt totally out of control. She lived only because of her daughter. She was introduced to a man, he seemed nice, they dated, they married. She was not sure if she loved him or not. She was not sure she knew what love was.
As time went on she realized that he was a drinker of epic proportions, he was a controller of epic proportions, and that the world was to revolve around him. There was no room for me in his world of drink. No room for me in his conversations. Only room for his criticism and derision. He tried to mold me into what his idea of a perfect wife was. When he couldn't he criticized every move I made.
She worked to help support the family which by now included a son. She gave her money to him. It was never enough. She went to a job 100 miles away so she could support the family while he started on a new business. Those years of supporting the family are not remembered by him.
She was told she had cancer. She had a mastectomy and was no longer whole. He began to treat her as a whore. Taking what he wanted, not looking at her deformed body, not speaking of love. He broke her spirit and her heart.
During that long year of chemo and sickness she lost 4 friends, all to cancer. They had so much to offer, she gladly would have taken their places. The medicine that put the cancer in remission ravaged her body, she was no longer able to work and was retired on a disability. When she returned home she was told there was nowhere for her things, the house was now his, she was not to change anything. Her role in the family was reduced to maid and bottle washer.
She tried to die, for a short while she was at peace, but they brought her back, left her to live in her little corner of hell. She is looking for a way out, she wants to be happy, she does not know if that will ever be.
She
She was never the life of the party, nor did she have many friends. She never felt solid in her life nor her future.
As a child she was raped by her older cousin, but pushed that from her mind as any 7 year old would. She wasn't happy and felt a sense of guilt, but there was no one to tell. She is sure her grandfather witnessed the act and said nor did anything.
As she grew older she thinks that she did what all kids her age did, but she really couldn't remember. Her life was a shadow with little bits coming to her here and there, never enough to say is she was happy or normal or sad.
Her first job was baby sitting, at the age of 11 she started earning her way in the world. Her memory was foggy with the exception of one man, a butcher by trade, a pedophile by life. He would take her home after partying late with his wife and friends. He touched her and fondled her, and delivered sickening wet slobbery kisses. He tried to have his way, hut his weight scared her and she screamed. Again she said nothing, she needed the money and who would believe her?
Somewhere in her teens she began hearing the voices, she accepted them as a part of her life. She said nothing, the fear of being labled crazy was with her always.
She turned 18 and moved out on her own. She was sure she was ready, she wanted the freedom to come and go as she pleased and to do the things she wanted. Then came the lonliness, settling in and dropping her into depths of despair. She was shy you see and had no boyfriend, she had never had a boy friend and could only imagine what that would be like. It was in this darkness she met a man, a year older than she, so attentive. He was her first, he asked for her hand in marriage. She knew she did not love him, not did she want to hurt him.
She said to him, I am too young I am not ready to marry. Not long after, he took a gun, pointed it to his head, and ended his young life. Now for the rest of her life she lives with that guilt. She could have married him, maybe learned to love him, but she was selfish.
She walked into a recruiting office one day, just to look. She walked out a member of the army. Eventually she was sent to Fort Huachuca, AZ and that is where she met a man. He was attentive, funny and said he loved her. She thought that she loved him too. Three days after the wedding, the honeymoon was over and the beatings began. He wanted something from her she could not give, he waited til she slept and took from her, the pleasure was his, the hurt and feeling of betrayel hers. For 7 years she endured the beatings and the abuse. They had a child, a beautiful girl, and when the time came she took the only thing that mattered, her child. He threatened to kill her if she left, she believed him. She found a body guard to escort them.
The next 7 years were spent in a bustle of raising a child, work, various romances and parties. As time went on she became depressed, seeing her life had gone nowhere. She began to blank out events, not remembering driving, or why she ended up where she was. She became very angry, angry to the point it scared her. She sought help, the doc. explained to her it was all her mothers fault. This made her angry indeed, it was not her mother who had raped her or beat her. She quit going to the doc. quit taking her meds.
The depression deepened, her life felt totally out of control. She lived only because of her daughter. She was introduced to a man, he seemed nice, they dated, they married. She was not sure if she loved him or not. She was not sure she knew what love was.
As time went on she realized that he was a drinker of epic proportions, he was a controller of epic proportions, and that the world was to revolve around him. There was no room for me in his world of drink. No room for me in his conversations. Only room for his criticism and derision. He tried to mold me into what his idea of a perfect wife was. When he couldn't he criticized every move I made.
She worked to help support the family which by now included a son. She gave her money to him. It was never enough. She went to a job 100 miles away so she could support the family while he started on a new business. Those years of supporting the family are not remembered by him.
She was told she had cancer. She had a mastectomy and was no longer whole. He began to treat her as a whore. Taking what he wanted, not looking at her deformed body, not speaking of love. He broke her spirit and her heart.
During that long year of chemo and sickness she lost 4 friends, all to cancer. They had so much to offer, she gladly would have taken their places. The medicine that put the cancer in remission ravaged her body, she was no longer able to work and was retired on a disability. When she returned home she was told there was nowhere for her things, the house was now his, she was not to change anything. Her role in the family was reduced to maid and bottle washer.
She tried to die, for a short while she was at peace, but they brought her back, left her to live in her little corner of hell. She is looking for a way out, she wants to be happy, she does not know if that will ever be.